I’m not saying I didn’t learn anything in my classes this term. But the most important lessons I learned from the last few months came not from the University of Oregon, but from the School of Life. Since the end of the quarter and the end of the year are naturally times for reflection, I thought it would be a wise idea to look back at what I truly learned this term.
1. Not reading emails does NOT make them disappear. The same is true for voicemails, texts, Facebook messages, official-looking letters that randomly appear in my mailbox, LinkedIn requests and ransom notes. I have been trying for years to perfect a method for making my problems go away by simply ignoring them and it has not worked. I think it is time for me to accept this little inconvenience as a fact of life. It will probably cause me to hurt my Grandma’s feelings a lot less (I should probably reply to at least SOME of her emails about heroic dolphins or whatever), but I think it’s just something that every reasonable adult human has probably figured out by now.
2. I have a fundamentally different philosophical, moral and logical outlook on life from people who get mad at me for accidentally running into them on the sidewalk. I am a clumsy person. I do not always walk in a straight line. Sometimes I get distracted and bump into someone. If the recipient of my bumping gets angry, there is no use in trying to reason with them. They will continue to be mad because they are of a different breed. It does not matter if I crack a joke or smile or laugh, they will continue to be mad, because they are different and I do not understand their way of life, and that is okay.
3. Spending $7 a day at the Marché Museum Café is not a good way to save money. It is not a good strategy in general. Their croissants and lattés and everything else are delicious but feeling a bit fancy and sophisticated for five minutes does not justify spending that much money on food.
4. Bringing up the fact that it’s ridiculous to complain about homework when Malala Yousafzai got shot in the head just for trying to go to school is not a good party topic. It is an interesting thing to remember, but it is not a good answer to the question, “How do you like your classes this term?”
5. It is, in fact, possible to get tired of the song “Bound 2” by Kanye West. I didn’t think it was, and then I listened to it too much, and I can say firsthand that it is entirely possible.
6. It is impossible, however, to get tired of “7/11” by Beyonce.
7. Carbo-loading is not a good study strategy. It might work before, like, running a marathon, but doing it before a marathon reading session is a recipe for unwanted sleep.
8. DO NOT EVER JOKINGLY TELL SOMEONE ON TINDER THAT YOU HAVE “DADDY ISSUES.” I REPEAT. DO NOT EVER DO THIS.
9. Ordering pizza at two a.m. always seems like a good idea, but always seems like a much worse idea at 2:45 a.m. when you are waiting for the pizza to come and are questioning every choice you’ve ever made in your life and having an existential crisis caused by hunger and lack of sleep.
10. “Bold Eagles” is the best movie of 2014. It is on Netflix. It is a masterpiece. It should be seen by all.
11. Ordering an Ed Hardy shirt on eBay at one a.m. on a Friday night, while not necessarily a bad choice, was a brash one that should be given some extra thought. And yes, this is something that I did. I do not regret it, but I would advise others to put more thought into it than I did.
12. Checking the “UO Crushes” Twitter account on the regular will only lead to disappointment and questions of why I am not in a sorority because it seems like sorority girls are the only ones who ever get crushed on. Cue “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift as I sigh wistfully.
13. I will never understand Bitcoins. I have tried to understand them for years. They were explained to me in multiple classes this term. I do not get them, and I accept that, and am at peace.
14. “Business Fish” is the most important sticker on Facebook. It should be used for everything. I have never felt so akin to a professional-looking fish. If you are not a fan of Business Fish, then I’m not sure if we will ever truly get along.