As the last weeks of the term slowly begin to creep into sight and that itch for summer vacation starts to become unbearable, there is only one thing clouding my already stressed-out mind. I get to go home. I get to go home to California.
The only problem is that California is lacking something very essential to life: water.
California is currently in a drought, and if they are anything like me, I’m sure all California natives are concerned about leaving the misty state of Oregon to return to the dryness that is our lovely home state.
I imagine my return home to be like that episode of SpongeBob SquarePants where SpongeBob enters Sandy Cheek’s treedome without any protection from the air inside. Spongebob slowly begins to dry out from the lack of hydration, and his raspy voice repeats the word “water” over and over. While this may seem a bit over dramatic, it is still a recurring nightmare of mine.
Hopefully we do not end up like our dear friend SpongeBob, here is a list of ways in which Californians may prepare for going home to a drought this summer:
Convert to using plastic utensils and paper plates. Washing dishes requires water, so the most logical step to take here is to stop washing dishes. Instead of using reusable plates that require washing between uses, visit Costco and buy paper plates, paper cups and plastic utensils in bulk. You just rid yourself of a pesky chore as well as reduced your use of water. High five to that.
Reduce the amount of showering you do. In case you were unaware, showering consumes a large amount of water. Bet you never noticed that before. Now, I understand that not showering completely seems slightly absurd, so I recommend taking it step by step. If you shower every day, try showering every other day. If you already shower every other day, try placing two days between each shower. Keep this up until you no longer need to shower. Dry shampoo, deodorant, colognes, perfumes and scented lotions were invented for a reason. Use them and no one will notice that your last shower was weeks ago.
Get used to not washing your clothes. Newsflash: washing machines use water as well. If this seems insane to you, use the same system mentioned in the previous tip. Do laundry once a week? Now you do it every other week. Use this system until you stop washing your clothes completely. Use as much Febreze as you need to keep your clothes smelling fresh. Febreze not enough? Buy new clothes. Simple as that.
Build a resistance to saltwater. This is a trickier tip than the past ones, but just as helpful. While California may be in a drought, we still have a whole coast full of ocean access. Freshwater and saltwater are practically the same thing anyway. Now, I am aware that salt water is an acquired taste, so begin getting used to it now. And slowly. Each glass of water you use, add a spoonful of salt. When you get used to one spoonful, begin adding two. Keep going until your water is mostly salt. Now you’re ready to drink ocean water. You’ll never go thirsty again.
Take what you can from the water-filled state of Oregon. If the saltwater thing is a little too far-fetched for you, stock up on as much freshwater as you can. Oregon has plenty to go around. Buy as many reusable water bottles as you can and begin filling them up now. When it rains, carry an umbrella upside down so as to catch as much water as possible. Ship what you can back home to your parents. Now you’re ready for summer.
Stop drinking water. Just stop. Completely. You have soda, juice and milk. Don’t forget about 7-Eleven slushies. Water is so boring anyway. Your life will be so much more exciting without it. People say that you will die if you go three days without water, but they’re just saying that so there will be more slushies for them. Don’t let them trick you.
Use these tips, and your California summer will be the best one yet.
How to go home to the California drought
Alysha Ferguson
May 17, 2015
“California is currently in a drought, and – if they are anything like me – I’m sure all California natives are concerned about leaving the misty state of Oregon to return to the dryness that is our lovely home state.” (Taylor Wilder/Emerald)
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