You’ve been thinking about it. You’ve been having trouble meeting people, and online dating makes it easier. You know that it is vain to judge someone only off of looks, but at this point, you don’t care. So I have for all of you a step by step guide on how to Tinder.
Step 1. Obsessively agonize over the pictures you will use for your profile. Ask yourself questions such as does one of my arms look bigger than the other? Or does this picture make me look like a crazy cat lady?
Step 2. Obsessively agonize over your bio. Try to come up with something witty and creative. Consider putting how much you love cats. Also consider putting how much you love to hike. You don’t really love to hike, but hey you’d look outdoorsy and if someone asked you to go hiking, you could do that. Hiking is basically just walking after all, right?
Step 3. Realize that you are neither witty nor creative. Decide not to add your love of cats due to the fact that you don’t want to be that crazy cat lady. Panic and then just write basic information about yourself.
Step 4. Start becoming addicted to swiping because goddamn this is fun.
Step 5. Match with someone for the first time. Become super excited and immediately go check who you had matched with. Fail to remember swiping right on this person. Feel mildly disappointed.
Step 6. Continue swiping. See that cutie from one of your classes. Swipe right immediately after stalking all his pictures and bio.
Step 7. Get extremely insulted when you and the cutie don’t match immediately.
Step 8. Come across on one of your friends. Swipe right and instantly match with them. Decide the Tinder universe is very unfair.
Step 9. Swipe right on someone specifically because they have a cute dog. Decide that even if you meet up with that person and they royally suck, it’s okay because they have a dog you can bond with.
Step 10. Match with more and more people. Eventually, receive a message from one of your matches. Become super excited again and instantly read the message.
Step 11. Wait the appropriate amount of time necessary to reply. You don’t want to seem too eager. During said appropriate amount of time, write and rewrite your reply until it’s perfect.
Step 12. Send that wonderful reply. Regret it instantly, convinced that you sound stupid.
Step 13. Wait anxiously for a reply.
Step 14. Repeat steps 10 through 13, until you decide whether or not this person is worth your time and not someone whose IQ is about 50 points lower than your own.
Step 14. Get asked to Netflix and chill. Decide to accept the offer because watching Netflix on a date sounds like heaven to you. Maybe they will binge-watch Scandal with you.
Step 15. Realize what your date meant by Netflix and chill. Get disappointed because you just wanted to watch some Netflix.
Step 16. Return to the continuous swiping and matching. Become discouraged, but remind yourself that there has to be someone out there that’s a decent human being.
Step 17. Discover someone that has multiple people along with them in every single one of their pictures. Analyze each picture with your friends, trying to determine which person is the one that the profile actually belongs to.
Step 17. Get asked on a date, an actual date, not just to Netflix and chill. Spend an excessive time getting ready for that date. You want to look cute, but not like you’re trying too hard.
Step 18. Go on an extremely lackluster date to Prince Puckler’s Gourmet Ice Cream shop. Get bored and realize you have nothing to talk about. You’re disappointed, but at least you got free ice cream out of your misery and discomfort.
Step 19. Run out of swipes, and to be honest, you’re a bit relieved.
Step 20. Decide to delete Tinder. It’s been real and it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.
Bonnie: A step by step guide to Tinder
Hannah Bonnie
October 18, 2015
0
More to Discover