“I’d rather chew glass and swallow it with a bag of hair than lose to her,” stated one of the lucky ladies competing on ABC’s 19th season of The Bachelor.
The three-hour premiere included women holding roses, women in tears and me, polishing off a bottle of Chardonnay. The Monday highlight for millions across the country is back and, according to long-time host, Chris Harrison, “It’s the most dramatic season of The Bachelor yet!”
Meet our Bachelor, Chris Soules, or as my mom refers to him, “Prince Farming.” He’s a farmer who looks like he just popped out of a “Steamy Farmers” calendar. Soules comes from Iowa, yes, IOWA (Google it if you don’t know where it is — no shame here). In his intro, ABC shows what a farm looks like, showing Soules doing “farmy” things, like driving a tractor, shoveling grains and doing pushups between stacks of hay. And I’m over here thinking, “Hey, I saw Charlotte’s Web, I know what a farm is, thankyouverymuch.”
The first hour consisted of a live watch party in L.A. where past contestants and couples made me wish I had a DVR to fast-forward with. Updates included Catherine Giudici with shirtless ex-Bachelor Sean Lowe, (who stopped bleaching his hair and now has a reddish brown color, which makes his spray tan look a little more real,) ex-Bachelorette Andi Dorfman, (still trying to laugh it off when she catches Josh Murray checking out other women,) and Nikki Ferrell, (who spent 12 minutes talking about why she’s sooo much happier without Juan Pablo. OK, Nikki, we all believe you.).
Finally, we got the ball rolling and met a swarm of 30 women who continue to pop out of limousines like little people in a circus act. Don’t get me wrong, Chris is a Grade-A fox, but these women were greeting him as if he was Bradley Cooper: crying, bearing gifts (rocks, pennies, an actual fake beating heart, and more on the wtf-factor level) singing karaoke, entering on a motorcycle, dressed in barn dancing attire and a woman dressed like a pig. It’s safe to say that all introductions were awkward because clearly nobody had started drinking yet.
We saw our classic opening night – 30 women all trying to fight for a word with Chris, interrupting others with “Excuse meeee, can I steal him from you for one secondddd.” This bounced around for a melodramatic hour, but things heated up between Britt and Chris as she won the first impression rose, as well as a kiss. “She’s in for the long-haul,” I told my just-arrived Dominos Pizza deliverer.
All of this led up to the first rose ceremony: Four were eliminated — the girls’ humiliation came sooner than previously hoped. Most importantly, one of the two batshit-crazy women went home and another woman, who was wasted off free booze, stayed in the running. Even juicier, one eliminated contestant, Kimberly, ran back into the house to speak to Chris, right as it cuts away to credits. Darn, those ABC producers got us again! Looks like we’ll both have to tune in Monday to find out what happens.
Here are some Tweets to LOL about: #BachelorNation
#TheBachelor recap: @C_Soules meets 30 women, and only one of them gets fall-down drunk: http://t.co/JjZBN4VpDB pic.twitter.com/cItwyA5hLu
#TheBachelor recap: @C_Soules meets 30 women, and only one of them gets fall-down drunk: http://t.co/JjZBN4VpDB pic.twitter.com/cItwyA5hLu
#TheBachelor recap: @C_Soules meets 30 women, and only one of them gets fall-down drunk: http://t.co/JjZBN4VpDB pic.twitter.com/cItwyA5hLu
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) January 6, 2015
Reason #82726282 I hate the bachelor pic.twitter.com/jtjD8bULt6
— Cara Tomlinson (@caraEtomlinson) January 6, 2015
