Good morning, folks, and welcome to today’s debate. To my right, bedecked in orange and black, is Average Beaver Fan. He will be squaring off against the person to my left, in green and yellow, Average Duck Fan. Both fans will be debating the merit of their favorite programs before us today. Average Duck Fan, please give us your opening statement.
“Thank you, Robert. Ladies and gentleman, I needn’t tell you what happened last year. The nation’s No. 2 team, a national championship and a Heisman for Dennis Dixon, clearly within sight. But injuries ate away at the Ducks’ skill position depth, and Oregon just couldn’t pick up the slack when Dennis Dixon went down with his ACL injury. From there, the season unraveled somewhat, but a strong Sun Bowl win against South Florida showed us that we still have the potential to do
great things.”
And you, Average Beaver Fan.
“Robert – and the reading audience – last year got off to a rough start, with those back-to-back losses to Arizona State and UCLA. But our Beavers rallied, winning seven of the last eight games – including the Civil War at Autzen Stadium, in dramatic fashion, and the Emerald Bowl against Maryland. Just remember, Duck fans: 1996. Think about it.”
Thank you, Average Beaver Fan. Since you are the visitor here, you may begin the debate.
“Thanks, Robert. The delusion of Average Duck Fan is starting pretty early this year. Let’s review: So far, you’ve beaten two awful teams from the state of Washington, one of the nation’s worst teams in Utah State, and a mediocre Purdue squad that couldn’t even beat Notre Dame. You’ve lost to the only actual competition you’ve faced – Boise State and USC – and since the Beavers beat the Trojans, you can’t use that tired excuse anymore. You want the national championship now or last year?”
“Robert, feel free to remind our Beaver brethren that college football is played before Oct. 1. Oregon State should have killed Stanford, but everyone with a pulse called for a Cardinal upset because no one believed the Beavs would actually get up and play them. And everyone was right. You want some respect? Show up for every game. Until then, that USC win will now and forever be labeled a fluke.”
“The only real fluke is your secondary being labeled good at one point. I’m going to throw out some numbers. Try not to run away from them. One hundred tenth in the nation in pass defense. One hundred tenth. Seventy-third in the nation in defensive efficiency. The Ducks’ defense – if you can call it that – allows third-down conversions 40 percent of the time. Face it … the D-Boyz aren’t even the best secondary in
the state.”
“It’s not our fault Nick Aliotti isn’t doing his job up there in the coaches’ booth. But you know who isn’t doing his job? Lyle Moevao. Four interceptions in one quarter? Against WSU? Seems like he’s trying to reclaim the throne of Derek Anderson – but even Anderson knew how to spread interceptions around. Eight interceptions in six games just does not and will not cut it in the Pacific-10 Conference.”
“You might want to remind your quarterbacks of that as well. Moevao has thrown for more yards than all of your quarterbacks combined. More touchdown passes, too. Fancy that – Oregon State’s offense being better than the Ducks’. If we had Jeremy Perry fully healthy and ready to run-block, our rushing attack would be even better – say, sixth-in-the-nation better.”
“Did you forget the two major tenets of college football already? You have to do two things: run the ball and stop the run. Right now, the Ducks are better than the Beavers at both, and the Ducks are second in the nation in sacks to boot. Any knowledgeable fan saw right through that ‘new front seven’ shtick; it’s just that the Beavers’ front seven is playing baaaaaaaadly. Still, don’t get me started on injuries … if Mike Riley was ever down to his fifth-string quarterback at any point, he’d be asking you if you had eligibility remaining. And our offensive line has been pretty banged up, too.”
“So if it’s not an injury, what’s Jaison Williams’ excuse? Only 319 yards receiving? Factor in James Rodgers’ rushing yards and the Beavers have three wide receivers ahead of that total. Maybe when Nike was doing laser surgery to his eyes, they shouldn’t have complied with his request and burned dollar signs into them.”
“I should be asking you the same thing about Ryan McCants. ‘The Next Steven Jackson’ has 130 yards rushing in six games. I’ll bet you 20 bucks right now he doesn’t gain as many yards as Oregon’s backup running back, LeGarrette Blount, and when I win I’ll use that legal tender to pay my cab fare.”
“Mind yourself that your cab doesn’t find itself next to Eddie Pleasant.
“In case you Duck fans were blinded by your own self-importance, he STARTED against UCLA. After crashing into another car while street racing. What’s Mike Bellotti waiting for, loss of life?”
“Bellotti’s waiting to see if Pleasant will be charged with a crime before suspending him. He hasn’t … yet. But it’s not as though Mike Riley’s a good role model … one game for Al Afalava after he made a Corvallis bus stop his personal parking space? He’s lucky a homeless man didn’t decide to call the bench home for a night.
“Oh, by the way, he was drunk driving at 4:30 a.m. What kind of message does that send?”
“What kind of message does it send when two fans fight and disrupt a college football game? Rumors are flying that one of the men who fell onto the field at Autzen might be paralyzed. Stay classy, Oregon fans.”
“The actions of the few are not representative of the many, and Beaver fans only wish they could call Autzen home. Crescent Valley High School games are louder than any at Reser Stadium. But clearly, Oregon State must have a home advantage, since they haven’t won a game on the road this season.”
“1996. Thirteen years. Think about it.”
That about wraps it up from here. In this Sisyphean world of college football rivalries, the money gets bigger, the stakes get higher, and the arguments march on strong.
That hill doesn’t look too steep, Average Duck Fan and Average Beaver Fan.
Keep pushing.
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