Well, the ASUO elections finally devolved into pettiness and the Emerald editorial board sat around lamenting this situation recently. Grievances about posters (people took down other people’s posters — who could have imagined?) coupled with seemingly inane and overly specific postering rules left a bad taste in our mouths. What happened to the issues in the last few days of the election?
We decided a few gin and tonics would wash away the unpleasant flavor of recent election events. As we reclined leisurely in our lush and luxuriously appointed offices, engaging each other in intellectual discourse about the election situation, we sipped our drinks and enjoyed hot-oil massages from well-built masseurs and masseuses.
Our discussion was going nowhere, so we did what we always do at edit board meetings: We turned on our 120″ projection TV to ease our minds. (Thanks to a recent budget cut from the Programs Finance Committee, we had to get rid of our in-house movie theater.)
Lo and behold, our favorite cartoon, Shooby Doo, was on, and our intrepid mystery-solving characters were in the process of solving the ASUO Election Poster Mystery! We were excited, so another round of drinks was prepared and we sat back to watch the action unfold.
Shooby, Skaggy, Tad, Daphnia and Thelma hop into their Mystery Van with a bunch of groovy paraphernalia and speed off into the distance.
When our heroes arrive at the University, Skaggy and Shooby jump out, eager to get to work on the mystery. The other three crime fighters promptly disappear to “look for clues,” which really means engaging in private fun in the van.
Skaggy and Shooby head off across campus, eager to spot postering-rule violations. They don’t find much during the day besides Frisbee players and some tasty tofu.
As evening settles in, Skaggy and Shooby eat a few “Shooby-dooby snacks” and start feeling pretty mellow. While walking along 13th Avenue, however, they see a shadowy figure pulling posters off a bulletin board. The shadowy figure frightens our dynamic duo, so they run about crazily for a few minutes.
When they regain their composure, Skaggy notices a puddle of drool near the bulletin board. As they check other locations, they find more drool, and they realize that someone has removed every single Bailey-and-Oliver poster from campus. Egads!
Near midnight, they see a large, shadowy figure tacking 65 OSPIRG posters to one teeny-tiny bulletin board in PLC. Skaggy and Shooby go running to catch the law-breaker, but it ambles away. It appears to be a monstrously large wraith with horrible fangs and a hooded face, drooling profusely. What — or who — could it be?
In the morning, the University is in an uproar. Someone has slid Bret-and-Matt posters under the door of every “dorm” room, classroom and faculty office on campus! Running on absolutely no sleep, the ASUO Elections Board braces for another long evening of grievance hearings.
To make matters worse, it’s discovered in the afternoon that someone has used every office phone on campus to make calls for Nilda and Joy. What to do? Multiple grievances are filed; so many that the young, crack reporter for the Oregon Daily Demerol can’t keep up. So many stories to write!
Skaggy and Shooby are determined to get to the bottom of the mystery. While snooping around Johnson Hall for leftover rice and veggies from last year’s camp-out, our heroes discover a bucket of fake drool stashed in the bushes near University President Dave Frohnmayer’s vehicle.
Inspired, they rush into Frohnmayer’s office. Tad, Daphnia and Thelma are already there, as usual. While taking a whiz in the bushes after “looking for clues,” Tad discovered the bucket of fake drool. Sure enough, Frohnmayer had been using it, along with his wraith costume and fake teeth, to trick everyone.
“All I wanted was a little respect,” Frohnmayer cries. “Does anyone respect my authority? No, and I’m the darn president! So I decided to get back at all you bratty kids and ruin your elections. That would have completely destroyed campus democracy and left the University under my total control. Ha ha ha ha!”
‘It’s a good thing we stopped you,” Skaggy says, kind of dazed.
“Yup,” Shooby agrees, and eats another pawful of Shooby-dooby snacks.
Frohnmayer is led away by the Elections Board in handcuffs, looking terribly defeated.
“I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.”
As we turn off the TV and try to decide how best to show our dissatisfaction with the grievance nonsense, we discover we’re out of gin. The meeting’s adjourned, and we all flee the building with no idea of what to write, except the following:
Remember to vote next week in the ASUO general election. Voting is available on Duck Web 24 hours a day from Monday through Thursday.