Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” — James Baldwin
As one of the organizers of Take Back the Night, I would like to respond to the recent editorial and letters to the editors regarding one of the signs at that event, which read “Dead Men Don’t Rape.” I would also like to thank the Emerald for providing a venue for exploring this issue. It has spurred some much-needed contemplation on my part about the purpose of this event.
The controversy around men’s participation in the march is based on the struggle between providing a safe woman-only space and inviting our allies to join us in our efforts. I admire the men who choose to take action around the issue of violence against women. I admire their compassion, their empathy and their courage. I consider their involvement in this movement to be crucial. If I had to choose, though, between creating a comfortable space for them in the movement and providing a space for women to share their voices and heal, I would choose the latter.
Although I don’t agree with the message on the sign, I do not think it carried enough power to create an alienating, unsafe environment for men. This was one woman with one sign out of many women — a number of whom celebrated the fact that the men were acting as allies. We went to great lengths to include men in this event. We are being admonished for not assuring a 100 percent comfortable space for them.
It is unrealistic to expect us to bring together 500 individuals who all have the same methods and beliefs for how to create change and heal from their experiences. You suggest we should be a “unified body of individuals.” We were unified in our desire to end violence against women, which is a great accomplishment.
It often seems as though people in power want those who have been oppressed to just hurry up, bypass the uglier aspects of healing from that oppression and get comfortable again. When I’m doing anti-oppression work with a group of people and I’m in a position of privilege, I fully expect to come up against their anger. I plan to be uncomfortable. In my own experience as a woman and as a survivor, I’ve learned that anger — and acting out of that anger — is a crucial part of healing. I’m willing to deal with that discomfort because I want to give people the same opportunities that I have had.
If you truly want to end oppression, be prepared to go through some hard times. Creating social change isn’t about gratifying your ego and resting easy in what a wonderful person you are. It’s messy. It’s painful. It’s hard. It’s about having the courage to stand by people while they go through what they need to in order to break free from the effects of oppression. It means facing the defensiveness, the discomfort and the fear that comes up for you during those times.
Men are most welcome at Take Back the Night. If you’re going to join us, however, come prepared to deal with some discomfort. I have complete faith that you can face us in our anger and live through it with us.