Has anyone seen the trailers for the upcoming martial arts saga “Iron Monkey”? Looks good, doesn’t it? Lots of fantastic fighting and flying around, high drama and romance, a la “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” Sorry to burst the hype bubble, but this is just another instance of the film industry screwing the public.
The movie, originally released in Hong Kong in 1993, is directed by Yuen Woo-Ping, the martial arts choreographer from “The Matrix” and “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” When taken for what it is — low rent, slapstick chop-sockeye — “Iron Monkey” is entertaining enough. But people who go to the theater to see “Iron Monkey” based on the slick, over-dramatized trailer, expecting to see some sort of follow up to “Crouching Tiger,” will be sorely disappointed. The writing, acting, dubbing and non-fight directing are god-awful.
Why, then, is a movie studio marketing a cheesy kung fu comedy as an epic drama? Isn’t that going to royally piss off moviegoers, like watching “Schindler’s List” with your date because a friend told you it’s a good make-out movie? Yes, it probably will create anger, and this represents a disturbing trend in American cinema as of late. I call it the “draw them in with explosions, farts and car chases for a big opening weekend then bend ’em over” strategy. Examples:
“Pearl Harbor” raked in $68.1 million its opening week, well over one-third its total gross of $193.7 million. “Tomb Raider” earned almost half its total gross in the first week; “Scary Movie II” got a third; likewise for “Jurassic Park III” and “Planet of the Apes.”
All of these movies are steaming turds, and yet each turned a profit. Why? Because the critics didn’t get their hands on them in time to warn us, thanks to the studios, and, let’s face it, we’re suckers. Granted, once word of mouth got around, these flicks died faster than a “magic” mushroom growing on a hippie commune, but not before enough of us lost our nine bucks to make up production costs and help perpetuate the cycle of crap.
Do you remember the days when a hit movie stayed on the charts for months, not weeks? When some films actually climbed to number one? Those days won’t return unless we, the movie-going public, take a more active role in film selection. Here are some basic guidelines for avoiding the film industry’s trap:
1) If there are more than two “I”s following the title of a movie, or a number higher than two (“2000” included), don’t go see it.
2) If there are even two “I”s following the title of an Eddie Murphy movie, don’t go see it (exceptions will be made for “Beverly Hills Cop IV,” which I would see simply for the synthesizer line and the classic Eddie laugh).
3) If the movie is a remake of a TV show or an older movie, please, God, don’t go see it.
4) If the movie is about cars or teenagers or both, not only should you not go see it, you should shove cigarettes up your nose as you walk past the theater to avoid the stench. And finally:
5) If advertisements for the movie contain the name “Jerry Bruckheimer,” burn down the theater playing the movie so no one else has to see it. (Just kidding.)
If we all follow these basic rules, then maybe, just maybe, our children won’t have to suffer through the same insulting mediocrity we do. Thank you.