Good morning patients, the good doctor is in. Besides soup, juice and “The Price is Right” at 10 every morning, nothing helps a person get well like nice music. Maybe some “Pure Moods” with some herbal tea to cure the sniffles? Or Dr. Lang’s personal favorite get-well crooner, Elliott Smith, in the background as he rests? Wrong! All completely wrong! Like a sucker, you’ve been listening to peaceful world music when the right choices are hits such as “Bitch Please,” “Under the Influence” and “The Real Slim Shady.”
Dione Armstrong of Northumberland, U.K., claims Eminem, who once rapped about killing his girlfriend, has coaxed her 12-year-old daughter out of an 11-day, massive car accident-induced coma.
“Eminem is helping to save her life,” Armstrong told the Newcastle Evening Chronicle after putting headphones blasting the music around her daughter’s head. “The minute I put on that music, she was moving her hands. She is such a big fan. Every night she puts him on the ghetto blaster at home and goes to sleep to him.”
Also from the world of hip-hop: Death Row CEO “Suge” Knight and Mariah Carey are each out — of jail and the hospital, respectively. Knight did about half of his nine-year sentence wearing the county blues for a hotel lobby beating that preceded his car trip with 2Pac Shakur when Pac got gunned down. Carey went berserk two weeks ago after a seven-city promotional tour for her movie “Glitter,” suffering a physical and mental breakdown. She is resting with her mother and hopes to be back wearing tank tops and short-shorts in no time.
Rapper cameos are the cornerstone of any hit. With crews such as D12 and The St. Lunatics selling almost as fast as their superstar leaders, a rap song with only one MC has become a rarity.
But the phenomenon of rap cameos has gone too far, thanks to Shaquille O’Neal, who actually has three full-length albums and one “best of” CD to his name. Shaq has popped up recently in the newest clips for 311 and P. Diddy. In each one, the human-three-second-violation lumbers onto the set to shoot some hoop — in the 311 video he plays against the band and in the P. Diddy clip he plays two-on-two with Puffy against two dudes from the neighborhood. In both, Shaq gleefully takes the ball, backs in and slams it down.
How are we — the viewers — expected to respond to this display? Are we supposed to gush with glee at his coolness and basketball abilities because he took a 5’9, 140-pound guy to school? Does Mr. MVP feel the need to solidify his place as one of the premier NBA stars by shamelessly dunking on someone half his size, weight and skill level? If Dikembe Mutombo can’t shut Shaq down that low in the paint, what is the lead singer of 311 supposed to do outside of smacking Shaq upside the head with his mic? Shaq, if Kobe Bryant ever gets his K.O.B.E. album into the stores (his single got released, the album did not), then you can appear in a video playing streetball. Otherwise, stick with infuriating Mr. Lang every time you lead in with your elbow during a game and don’t get called for the foul.
Anyway, enough medical and NBA analysis and back to music. Mr. Lang watched “High Fidelity” for the umpteenth time this week — it’s his “Beaches” — and it has sparked him to create his own Top-Five List. One-hit-wonders are such a mystery. The majority of the human race agrees that Lou Bega and Snow deserve their membership into the club. Others, like The Verve and The Breeders simply seemed to fall off the radar after their one big radio hit. One-hit-wonderdom is a fickle mistress, but there are a few sure-fire ways to tempt fate and become one. The Top Five Ways to be a one-hit wonder:
1. Sound like Creed — which simply sounds like someone put Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains into one of those juicers that spit out only the best, most nutritious part of the fruit, but in the end leave you drinking a greenish sludge. Creed is that green sludge. For a band to imitate that muck is beyond criminal.
2. Make your first single a cover of a popular song — e.g. Alien Ant Farm with their punk-pop version of Michael Jackson‘s “Smooth Criminal.” Simple fact: If a stronger song existed, the band would have released it. If you’re considering buying a copy of the album, wait three months and find it in a $5 bin at the local used CD store.
Limp Bizkit is the one exception to this rule with George Michael‘s “Faith” creating the band’s buzz in the late ’90s.
3. Make your second single an acoustic version of your first single. Remember Lifehouse? We’re still waiting for something from them that isn’t “Hanging By a Moment,” plugged-in or not.
4. Turn something real into a simple gimmick. This one is a little more abstract. Take Canada’s newest export, Sum 41, and their single “Fat Lip.” Here we have another group of angry, “disillusioned” high school kids singing pop-punk crap about drinking and driving around in El Caminos. The video features the boys playing and dancing around with way-too-cool simultaneous moves in a parking lot at night. The video also has a wonderful moment where some way-too-cute dancing girl bends over and shakes her breasts.
Every musical movement from the 1960s on has happened in part because of the authenticity involved. Any real punk band of angry high schoolers singing about throwing parties where nobody shows up is going to be just that uncool. Janis Joplin was nowhere near that cool in high school. Sid Vicious wasn’t that cool. Kurt Cobain wasn’t that cool. Probably even the lead singer from Flock of Seagulls — if ’80s synth music was a movement — wasn’t that cool.
Music can be, nay, is fun. But the authenticity drives any real music, which is something Sum 41 lacks in spades, and the gods of rock ‘n’ roll will judge them accordingly.
5. End up on a “Now That’s What I Call Music” compilation CD — this one is a 50/50 crap shoot. It’s mostly teeny-bopper pop or one-hit wonders on those things. But the “Now” series has become a sales juggernaut. Volume Seven, released this week, clobbered *NSYNC down to the #2 spot. Ironically, No. 7 included “Pop.”