It is not a laughing matter when children are hurt. Not even when they are scrapping for a few bucks, as was the case at a minor league baseball park in Michigan on Saturday.
A pair of 7-year-olds, a boy who was trampled and a girl who suffered a bloody lip, was the downside of a helicopter dropping approximately $1,000 after the West Michigan Whitecaps defeated the Southwest Michigan Devil Rays 3-0. Children lined the outfield fence and during the mad dash for cash, the promotion turned from good to bad.
Evidently, children as old as 12 and as young as five were eligible to compete.
“It was tiny kids against big kids,” the injured boy’s grandmother said. “It’s like playing football. You can’t put a 12-year-old versus a 7-year-old.”
Oh yes you can! I am from Springfield so I know what I’m talking about.
I have some pointers for the young, fragile children facing chubby, giant 12-year-olds whose facial hair is starting to grow in with a hint of Joe Dirt, but perhaps a nice mustache. I’ve definitely had my run-ins with people who fit the description “The bigger they are, the longer they’ve been stuck in the third grade.”
First, you have to be agile. Juke, spin or use any other move that a PlayStation game would allow. The big ones can’t do anything but swipe, push or hit you, so quickness is the key.
Toughness is another key. You are going to be knocked down, spit on, kicked in the groin, etc. The way to prove your toughness is to take it like a man the first time and hope the bullies respect you for it.
Another way to outsmart the bullies is to allow them to pick up all of the money, then run up and jack it. It is probably helpful if two are in on this. One for the distraction and the other to actually grab the money and run.
Sacrifice a “friend” who owes you a favor for the distraction part if you have one.
When money is on the line, it is time to fight, and the two injured children learned that lesson the hard way. There was nearly a grand of money falling to the ground and I suspect that the two who left the ballpark broken probably left it broke as well.
Not only was their pride hurt, but now there is no extra money for cut up hot dogs in the mac and cheese for dinner. But I bet the 12-year-olds are eating well and living it up with a couple of extra dollars to toss around, probably at the local preteen strip joint.
I am hoping that teachers across the nation will read this column to their children, in an effort to better prepare these young, vulnerable children for the jerk-hole bullies that rule the playground.
It is time for 7-year-olds to start acting their age, ball up and face the bullies who push them around on the playground and in the outfield of a minor league ballpark.

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