And I thought immigrants had it rough.
Last week the New England Patriots made a half-assed attempt to fill departed kicker Adam Vinatieri’s shoes by signing one of Argentina’s biggest busts.
He’s worse than Evita; he’s better than the Falklands. He’s Martin Gramatica.
It makes perfect sense really. Bid farewell to a future Hall of Famer whose field goals made the difference in three Super Bowls and welcome an inconsistent, post-prime kicker who is two years removed from his last professional kick.
Gramatica hasn’t teed one up in the NFL since November 2004.
This is the guy whose nickname – Automatica – stays with him only because “craptastic” doesn’t rhyme.
I’ve always been skeptical of Gramatica ever since his college years at Kansas State. Sure he made the longest field goal in Division I history there, but don’t you remember the 1998 Big 12 Conference Championship game? Gramatica had the chance to ice the game with a late chip shot, but missed wide right. The game went into overtime when Texas A&M eventually topped the Wildcats 36-33, dashing K-State’s run at the inaugural BCS title game.
Gramatica rebounded nicely after the miss. He became a third-round pick in the 1999 draft and earned spot on the NFL’s all-rookie team that same year.
He made the Pro Bowl the following season as a Buccaneer. He completed a flawless 42 of 42 conversion attempts in 2000 and 28 of 34 field goals.
The wheels came off for Gramatica and the Bucs after winning Super Bowl XXXVII.
In 2003, Gramatica was stricken with China Doll syndrome.
He made 16 of 26 field goals in an injury-plagued 2003 and was cut in the offseason. He was later picked up by the Colts to back Mike Vanderjagt.
The Patriots have not solved their placekicking quagmire.
Coach Bill Belichick is no longer guaranteed an easy three points next season and only has itself to blame. NFL kickers may be a dime a dozen, but ones who can consistently make clutch boots in any weather are not. In losing Vinatieri, New England relinquishes a gem and now has Colts’ highlights of Vinatieri, who helped the Pats reach the 1996, 2001, 2003 and 2004 Super Bowls, to look forward to.
I cannot sympathize with the Pats. Even though Gramatica has only missed two extra-point attempts in his NFL career and has Super Bowl experience, he’s not what the Patriots need.
Every professional kicker is expected to make PATs. Those aren’t the only kicks Gramatica is going to be attempting this year. Without another solid kicker at the ready, he’s going to be called upon to make field goals which, as his numbers show, are not his specialty.
See you in the funny pages, Martin.

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