There is really nothing like a pie in the face. I’m not sure I would call it a violent act. It’s more of a statement. It’s not destructive or malicious like spray-paint on fur, but it is definitely not a friendly gesture such as a group silly string attack. What exactly does a pie in the face mean? Since the current weather has turned me into a full-on sunshine junky, it is currently physically impossible for me to contemplate anything more serious than this pressing pie question. So without further ado, an analysis.
The Bill Gates/Anna Wintour type pie-ing: This is probably the type of pie in the face action that first comes to mind. Some world-famous elitist gets pied by someone from the proletariat. It makes the evening news, and everyone has a good laugh because we love to see people we idolize get humiliated. Even though we all type on Microsoft Word, we don’t do it because we like to. We do it because that is pretty much our only option; typing papers in Gmail is stupid, even if the spell check is easier and the auto save actually works. Seeing Bill Gates get pied makes us feel better about contributing to his empire. Same with Anna Wintour, queen of the Condescending Nasties (as Conde Nast employees are sometimes known). The editor of Vogue struts around like she is some sort of supernatural human being, with her hair cut in a bob no less, and expects to be left alone? Her pie incident was especially funny because it was a tofu pie thrown by a PETA member. Vogue is the gold standard in fashion, and it represents the near-royalty American meritocracy produces, and an activist gets the best of the editor. We love to see this stuff because it humanizes people we see as untouchable. What’s more American than apple pie? Throwing one in a millionaire’s face.
The random pie-ing: This happened this year to a student at the University. Some unfortunate individual gets smacked with a pie for no good reason. Who knows why this happens? It could be a dare, some sort of initiation, or something done purely for a laugh. Pie-in-the-face comedy is classic slapstick, and in my extremely light research, I have discovered a Web site dedicated to this sort of humor, www.piesintheface.com. There I found wonderful examples of pie-in-the-face slapstick. Pie-ings have appeared in the Beastie Boys famous Fight for Your Right to Party video, Saved By the Bell, Moonlighting and Johnny Carson. Why do we find it so funny? I still laugh out loud when I think about Robin Williams pie-ing himself in Mrs. Doubtfire then turning around to say “Helllllooooo.” Maybe we just like to laugh at each other. It’s like that time my sister fell out of a moving vehicle. Everyone was silent until she sprung from the asphalt with both thumbs up exclaiming, “I’m okay!” After that everyone in the car went to pieces. As long as you know someone isn’t hurt, you gotta laugh at accidents.
The revenge pie-ing: This type is what put me in the mood for a pie column today. Apparently, a freelance writer for the Willamette Week wrote an article about some artsy event where there was an “interactive video installation.” The writer, Becky Ohlsen, correctly predicted that art like that practically screamed for someone to moon the camera and get the sort of slapstick laugh I have previously mentioned. This slap-sticker was Seth Sonstein, owner of the Clinton Street Theatre, identified by his profession. In retaliation for the unflattering coverage, Sonstein planned and videotaped a pie-ing. You can watch the video “P for Pie” on youtube.com. It’s funny. Really funny. And Sonstein has a mustache.
But what if we spread the revenge pie out? What if instead of nasty falling-outs between friends, they just settled it by pie-ing each other. After all, laughter is the best medicine. Dance-offs are a great way to settle arguments, but what if you are better in the kitchen that at the club? A pie-off would be the obvious solution. Pies could also be kept handy at parties and bars to fend off creeps. Girls could carry pocket pies in their purse. Instead of wars, world leaders could simply pie each other. Can’t you just see Kim Jong Il wiping cherry filling off his big glasses saying, “You got me George; you got me good. Now how about those talks?” I think our president would like the idea. He’d probably arm his new press secretary with a baker’s dozen. Plus, I heard the Atkins craze really hurt the flour industry. Now that carbs are back in style, a surge in demand for pies could single-handedly revive America’s baked goods sector.
Now that you all have this week’s incredibly deep thought to ponder, I am going to go play outside. If anyone doesn’t like this article and wants to revenge pie me, go ahead. But I may have a pocket pie with me, so approach at your own risk.

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