Look at this column’s mug shot. The concerned look on my face would lead those unfamiliar with me to believe I am a stern, uber-serious individual. A glance at the subjects of my last two attempts at columns, death and discipline, would only reinforce that idea. Well, if you believe that, you couldn’t be more wrong. To prove my point, I present to you, faithful reader, a list of the five dirtiest names in all of sports, starting, where else, at the rear.
Number five on the dirty half dozen (minus one) is former Seattle Mariners and Boston Red Sox pitcher and San Francisco Giants pitching coach, Dick Pole. On the whole, the reason his name is funny is quite obvious. His first name is Dick. His last name is Pole. How awesome is that? Look deeper, however, and the hilarity only grows larger. First of all, in the phone book, his name reads like a male-enhancement supplement. People at formal parties not wanting to embarrass themselves by saying Dick over and over are left with the not-so-safe haven of Mr. Pole. However you say it, Pole’s last name is ripe for parody.
Coming in at fourth place on the dirty docket is one of the newest members of Oregon’s athletic family. She is a freshman on the women’s basketball team and I cringed once it hit me that this poor woman now has the honor of wearing her name on the back of her jersey for what are sure to be four long years. Her name is Micaela Cocks, and I feel for her. If she were a guy, it wouldn’t be so bad. But for a girl to wear the word “cocks” on her back during trips to oh-so-friendly places such as Seattle, Pullman, Los Angeles, Pasadena and other tough road cities throughout the Pacific-10 Conference region should be banned under the Geneva Convention. I’m sure she’s heard it all. From the blunt “Cocks sucks,” to the slightly more clever “Eat it, Cocks.”
I very easily could’ve gone with Lakers’ legend Earvin “Magic” Johnson at the number three spot, but I didn’t. The reason behind the choice is twofold: First, Magic isn’t his real name and to tee-hee at him simply for his Johnson would be nothing short of juvenile. And second, I try to keep the Lakers out of my mouth whenever possible.
Instead, I went with lanky Yankee left-hander Randy Johnson. Not only is his last name Johnson (tee-hee), but his first name is Randy, and, thanks to one Austin Powers, we all know what Randy means. What we have on our hands is a man whose full name, roughly translated, means horny penis. Yeah, that’s right – horny penis.
But wait, it gets better. As if his legal moniker weren’t bad enough, his nickname only increases the load. For some reason that both puzzles and brightens me, somewhere along the way Johnson earned the title of The Big Unit. For those scoring at home, that’s horny penis and big penis. One man, two names, loads of fun.
Before I get to the top two, it’s only fair that I stop and mention some of the names that didn’t make the cut. 1930s Yankees’ catcher Bill Dickey was way too easy. His name may have a place in Cooperstown, but not on my list. Also from the ’30s, but not quite a Hall of Famer, is former outfielder for three teams Johnny Dickshot. Of course, every good superhero needs a sidekick and former Boston Braves outfielder Dizzy Nutter fills that role quite ably. Hell, my team of rejects could form the world’s most interesting law firm. Who wouldn’t take their problems with the law to the partnership of Dickey, Dickshot & Nutter?
The number-two spot goes to current Tennessee quarterback and an announcer’s worst nightmare, Jim Bob Cooter. Here’s a man whose parents should have been locked up as soon they named their son. As if forcing your son to grow up with female genitalia for a last name wasn’t bad enough, these geniuses decided to attach James Robert. All that makes you in Tennessee is just another Jim Bob.
And now, without further adieu, the most disgusting name in all of sports belongs to … former White Sox third baseman Rusty Kuntz. I can almost hear the chants now. “Who’s got tetanus?” (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) Hearing his name over the loudspeaker alone could cause baseball to put a ban on children attending his games.
There it is, the world’s most disgusting names in all of sports. You’re welcome.
The dirtiest names to ever grace the back of a jersey
Daily Emerald
November 16, 2006
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