The Food Network is more than just food; it’s American entertainment at its best.
Think about it this way: What’s funnier than those moments, every holiday season, when you and 20 members of your family squeeze into the kitchen and spend half the day putzing around with food? There’s Aunt Belinda walking by the stove every five minutes to check on her famous cheesy potatoes, wearing huge oven mitts in the shape of some barnyard animal; Grandpa John who claims to be chopping peppers for the salad, but in actuality just sits at the cutting board with his knife hovered above the vegetables, drinking a glass of Pinot and reminiscing about WWII. The children cluster around the hors d’oeuvres plate spitting olive pits at one another, Mom’s loading Tupperware containers and casserole dishes in and out of the fridge as though it’s a game of tetris, and everyone is clamoring around like a pack of anxious roosters who have just spotted the farmer entering their pen with a bag of seed.
Thanks to television, the warmth and rambunction of a family feast is available year round, without the hassel of clean up, or guilt trips about why you broke up with that nice fellow from Cleveland (telling your Grandma that you disagreed with him on the merits of BDSM practices is simply not an option). The Food Network offers the comfort, the commotion, the cozy feeling in the whole of your body that only a good, home-cooked meal can provide.
The ladies of the food channel are like surrogate mothers; each providing a unique and lovable aspect of what it means to be maternal in the kitchen. Paula Deen of “Paula’s Home Cooking” is the gregarious cook with a personality that’s just as sweet as her Savannah Chocolate Cake with Hot Fudge Sauce; the only thing thicker than Paula’s Southern accent is her all-purpose cheese spread. Like most of the dishes Paula lovin’ly whips up in her Georgia kitchen, this spread includes the obligatory 1/2 cup mayonnaise and a stick of butter. But hey, what’s a little artery corrosion when there’s cheese spread on the line?
With food that hails from a society far removed from the Southern U.S. of A., Giada De Laurentiis is the placid, gormet Signora. On her television show “Everyday Italian,” Giada creates dishes that utilize common ingredients in interesting ways. Who knew you could transform a can of tuna into a fancy lunch with the help of ciabatta bread, capers, red wine vinegar and kalamata olives? At times Giada’s lulling placidity poses the question of her pharmaceudical use; however it is just as likely that Giada is one of those rare perfectionists able to revel in her neorsis and ultimately
be content.
Rachel Ray is a Food Network viewer’s fun older sister; she’s informative, and she’s amusing. Rachel always has something to say, and whatever she’s saying, she’s excited about it. Whereas other cooking shows feature thematic music when vegetables are diced or ingredients blended, Rachel Ray has no need for musical interludes; she orates throughout the entirety of her 30 minute episodes, with family stories, personal anecdotes, and potentially irrelevant dining suggestions such as hosting a scary movie theme night where you feed your guests a “Frankenstein” casserole that is part lasagna, part pizza (which Rachel refers to as a “pizzanga”).
Every family gathering includes at least one guest who shows up with perfectly manicured nails, looking like a million bucks, telling anyone who will listen about her recent marriage and big promotion. Two hours later, this guest is trashed. Sandra Lee is the Food Network equivalent of the woman who looks like she has it all together, but beyond that facade of tablescapes and kitchen decor which changes every episode to match the recipe of the day, we’re all pretty sure she’s an alcoholic involved in some sort of crumbling familial situation. But hey, what’s not to love? Only on “Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee” will you see a plump glass jar filled with uncooked pasta double as the centerpiece for an Italian meal; and, by the way, Sandra’s idea of Italian cuisine includes mini “calzones” composed of freezer crescent dough and a Mexican cheese blend. Her recipes are more noteworthy than mouthwatering; importantly, however, Sandra Lee is the one Food Network star who consistently makes a cocktail.
Naysayers may claim that a television network devoted to food is the ultimate example of modern sloth. I, however, would say that any TV station which can provide consistently entertaining and heartwarming characters ought to provoke widespread requests for a second helping.
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