As I sit on my couch desperately searching for anything remotely interesting to watch on television, I begin to feel old. At 22, there’s no legitimate reason for me to feel that way, but my cable television seems to tell me otherwise.
Nick at Nite is one of the causes of my ancient ambiance. I recall being around eight and excitedly tuning into reruns of “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” (Rob Petrie was so adorably silly in my young mind.) That was when Nick at Nite played primarily black and white shows that my mother remembered watching as a child.
Now, at a young 22, shows that I recollect seeing new are being played into the wee hours of the morning. Remember way back in 1993 when “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” replaced the original hard-core matriarch Vivian Banks (played by Janet Hubert-Whitten) with the sweeter, softer Vivian number two (Daphne Maxwell Reid)? I think I lost a couple of nights sleep wondering what happened to Vivian number one (rumor is she and Will Smith didn’t get along). And recently, Nick at Nite began showing “Full House.” What?! It seems like yesterday when I spent my Friday nights waiting for TGIF to come on so I could see the crazy things those Tanner girls got themselves into that week. And now, as the real Michelle Tanner, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, get into crazy situations every Friday in my Us Weekly, that feeling creeps up on me again. I’m so old.
But the channel that most ruins my evenings, forcing me to put wrinkle cream on the face that lost its baby fat only three years ago, has to be VH1. I think I’m crazy, because I actually remember when VH1 was “all about the music.” Now, with shows like “Best Week Ever,” “My Fair Brady” and “The Fabulous Life Of- (fill in the blank),” VH1 has become the new breeder of celebrity culture. Step aside, E! Make room for the new – but definitely not improved – VH1.
VH1’s “Celebreality” concept, which brings D-list stars like Hulk Hogan, Bronson Pinchot (come on, Balki from “Perfect Strangers”!) and Wendy Kaufman, aka “The Snapple Lady,” back from the horrible, depressing world of us “commoners,” is the most disgusting filth that’s on TV today, even with “Cops” still pushing out new episodes. I hardly care about certain celebrities that are famous today (Paris Hilton, I’m staring at you), let alone “celebrities” that were famous before I was even born (Danny Bonaduce: Please, please, give it up already. It’s over. O-V-E-R).
After MTV jumped the ship and began busting out craptastic shows having nothing to do with music, I could still sleep at night knowing that VH1 was still concentrating on what had made them good in the first place. Sure, I was a bit nervous when they started up with “Behind the Music” because it was running dangerously close to the “E! True Hollywood Story,” but still, VH1 proved itself by dealing with only musicians and not actors. Now, VH1 has stepped over that line, pushing real musicians to the back burner and bringing in “real pop culture. Real fast,” with their “Best Week Ever.” Who wants to watch unfunny people try to be funny while recapping the stupid, trivial stories that happened that week? I don’t know anyone with an IQ higher than 40 who does.
OK, so VH1 does play music videos. At 3 a.m., when other stations are airing the infomercials that “do not reflect the views of this station,” VH1 finally gets back to its roots. Way to go. So they do keep videos on the lineup for the next eight hours, but at 11 a.m. sharp, VH1 is back to playing crap.
How I long for the good old days of 1998, when Nick at Nite played “Bewitched” and “I Love Lucy,” or when VH1 didn’t suck. I’m just waiting for the day that the oldies radio station starts playing Weezer. I’ll probably be 26.
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