There have only been a few times in my life where I have been truly, severely disappointed. When I received a calculator watch instead of a mountain bike for my ninth birthday – that was a disappointment (I calculated my tears). When I learned Van Morrison was white – that was a disappointment. When I went to see the Rolling Stones live and instead witnessed what appeared to be a reunion concert for the California Raisins – that was a disappointment. I think you see where this is going. “Spider-Man 3,” for all its good intentions, is truly, severely disappointing.
The story this time around finds our hero riding high. The people adore him, he (like Rick James) is in love with Mary Jane, and New York City is essentially crime-free. However, no sooner than you can say “contrived plot point” does an alien entity crash-land in Central Park and affix itself to Peter Parker’s motorbike. Apparently this life-form brings out the dark side of whoever it inhabits. Spidey’s dark side looks like a cross between Conor Oberst and a young Hitler, pretty much what Darth Vader would have been like if he had grown up in New Haven. This leads to an excruciating Saturday Night Fever scene that stands out like Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah – but more on that in a second.
A huge chunk of the reported $260 million budget for this film (the largest of all time) was spent on the creation of two new super villains – Sandman and Venom – and while the money has produced truly special effects, it does little in the way of character development. While the first two movies excelled at developing their baddies and giving them human flaws to go with superhuman abilities, part three opts for the theme park approach and in the process gives the characters no time to grow (although they have plenty of spare time to do that single tear thing). Ultimately, we are unable to care for such one-dimensional caricatures.
So let’s start with what really doesn’t work.
?Everyone cries – everyone. There is one hilarious scene near the end of the film where Spider-Man and Mary Jane show the new skills they picked up at the Nathan Lane School of Overacting, blubbering back and forth at each other like a couple of drunken sorority girls.
?The acting. James Franco (despite the insistence of the woman sitting behind me that he “is-so-hot” and that she “would totally do him”) proves that he was never quite right for the role in the first place. His descent into madness is a sight to behold, complete with arched eyebrows and, well, that’s about it.
?The cheese. The aforementioned disco scene is about as hard to explain as a ruler next to your bed. Imagine a solid half-hour of Tobey Maguire strutting around town, pelvic-thrusting at anything with breasts, culminating in a jazz hands-laden dance routine at a swing joint. Really. Make sure to keep your eyes peeled for a slice of pure Americana as Spider-Man poses in a front of a billowing Stars and Stripes for at least a minute “This one’s for you, bible belt!”
As for the pros, there are a few worth mentioning. The final showdown atop a skyscraper where Venom has taken Mary Jane hostage contains some amazing imagery, and the shots of Sandman as a towering behemoth rival anything I have seen rendered on film. There is also the requisite Bruce Campbell cameo, and this time he plays an enthusiastic French Maitre’d – almost worth the price of admission alone. Unfortunately, none of this adds up to a good film, and more often than not the audience was reduced to awkward chuckles over unintentional humor. Of the three Spider-Man films, this was the only one where Peter Parker’s story and that of Spider-Man never really fit together. Fans of this usually fascinating dichotomy will be truly disappointed. A man in the restroom after the film put it best when he said, “At least the first one had nipples!” Too true.

“Spider-Man 3”

Starring: Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst
Upside: Excellent special effects
Downside: 2 hours and 20 minutes of ham and cheese