It’s the end of February, which can only mean one thing: It’s ASUO election time.
I can already feel my heart racing, my chest tightening. My arm is going numb, and so is my face. I’m suddenly dizzy and confused, and I’m suffering from a terrible headache …. Wait, those are the signs of a stroke. I meant to say that I feel an overwhelming sense of indifference.
If you haven’t paid attention to former ASUO elections (and, honestly, why would you?) I have compiled an easy-to-use list of terms and definitions; they will help you understand what I call our rough simulacrum of democracy.
The Incidental Fee: Otherwise known as the I-Fee or the student tax. Students pay approximately $600 a year in incidental fees. Every university has a fee, but the UO’s is among the highest. It goes to pay for student groups and contract groups. Student groups generally use the money to pay themselves stipends. Contract groups are not technically student groups and simply provide some service for students. For example, OSPIRG’s service is taking your money.
ASUO President and Vice President: This year, we have Jared Axelrod and Juliana Guzman. Their primary function, according to the ASUO Web site, is to “advocate for all students, through the protection and promotion of the physical, cultural and educational development of the University.”
Another goal is to “protect the incidental fee.” This begs the question: Protect it from what? Claim jumpers? The fee seems to be doing pretty well for itself.
I ran for executive one year on the pants-optional ticket. My platform was simple: People’s junk should not be oppressed by this patriarchal apparel. For far too long, the University has kowtowed to the pro-pants hegemony.
My platform made far more sense than anyone else’s.
ASUO Senate: The student Senate operates in the same fashion as the U.S. Senate: poorly. There are a total of 18 senators. Nine senators are elected to “academic seats,” while the other nine are “finance senators.” The Senate’s primary function is to help distribute the incidental fee. Every week, the Senate holds a meeting, at which student senators feign interest in the process, pass notes to each other, draw pictures on their notebooks or break into uncontrollable fits of sobbing (I wish I were joking).
Sometimes, the Senate will embroil itself in some inane project. Last year, for example, Senator Jonathan Rosenberg introduced the now infamous “Iran Resolution,” which would have “pressured” the U.S. to cease diplomatic relations with Iran, a result of Iran’s pursuit of a nuclear program. Some viewed the resolution as a Quixotic overextension of the Senate’s purview. It clearly was. Nonetheless, Rosenberg claimed that senators should not ask how the issue affects them. Instead, it should be, “How can we affect this issue?” How very Zen.
It’s so precious how Senators actually believe that they can change the world from their illusory positions of power.
Programs Finance Committee: The PFC holds budget hearings with every incidental-fee funded group. They make sure that groups are being “fiscally responsible.” Their idea of “fiscal responsibility” is spending money like a drunken sailor in a Bangkok whore house. They are supposed to remain “viewpoint neutral” – meaning they can’t judge a group based on its views. They’re not very good at doing this, alas.
Athletic Department Finance Committee: The ADFC acts as the liaison between the ASUO and the Athletic Department. Its main mission is to negotiate a contract with the Athletic Department for student tickets.
The EMU Board: The EMU Board is a mythical construct, like the Loch Ness Monster. It doesn’t exist. Next!
Grievances: Every election season, there is a volley of grievances filed against the candidates. The grievance process is supposed to prevent candidates from performing illegal campaign practices, but it generally devolves into petty complaints about poster placement. On the plus side, grievances give the Constitution Court something to do. We all know how shiftless law students can be when they are not occupying their time.
Soon, campus will be besieged by soulless campaign volunteers wearing brightly colored shirts advertising their candidates. These are the same people who will hassle you between classes, attempting to thrust campaign fliers into your hands. The trick to bypassing this annoyance is to avoid eye contact. Failing that, you could brandish a long, pointed stick.
Voter turnout is always laughably low. Breaking from tradition, last year’s turnout was exceptionally high (relatively speaking), demolishing the hitherto unheard of 18-percent barrier – a strange occurrence that might indicate that the dead have risen and are voting in student elections. Perhaps this year’s crop of candidates will inspire the same level of democratic devotion as last year. I don’t believe it, however. (Prove me wrong, ASUO. Prove me wrong.) There’s a reason people don’t care. No matter how much the ASUO berates students and goads them into paying attention, most students simply can’t muster up the energy to care about this silly annual exercise. I hope that my primer will help those students who have, traditionally, not cared about these elections. I don’t expect you to care in the future; I simply expect you to be educated about your ASUO, so you’ll understand precisely why you don’t care. As for me: My arm has started tingling again.
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The idiot’s guide to ASUO elections
Daily Emerald
February 25, 2007
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