Cleansing your system by way of ingesting nothing but a mixture of lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper for 10 days is a vastly overrated way to get healthy. I do not advise it, not at all. Just because competitive distance runners and chiseled celebrities do something, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for you, or me especially. I know this now. Sadly, I learned the hard way. The first time I dabbled in a health trend will be my last, forever. I promise. Join me in the boycott.
I sharted (if you don’t know, don’t ask) in class last week. Don’t tell anybody. It was a lecture, and day three of my Master Cleanse. My experiment had hit an awkward rock bottom. I sat completely still for a good seven seconds, brow furrowed, mouth slightly agape. I looked forward in paralysis for a moment or two, then to the periphery. No one had noticed. Keeping it discreet, I gathered my things, rose and shuffled toward the exit and out of the building. I had been defeated by a health trend in the worst kind of way – not embarrassed, but shamed and developing massive resentment toward my girlfriend, who had decidedly conned me into this malarkey. I’m convinced you can lose up to 50 percent of your discretion in a relationship.
For the previous 72 hours, I had gone to bed after a soothing cup of herbal laxative tea, awakened to a tasty four cups of hot saltwater and subsequently 10 to 12 glasses throughout the day of a mixture of two tablespoons of lemon juice, two tablespoons grade b maple syrup, a tenth teaspoon of cayenne pepper and 10 ounces of water. Why I tried this for more than one day: In retrospect – utter stupidity disguised as health trend curiosity.
I was over it. Day three. Done. What sick, sick irony: My effort to cleanse myself left me feeling probably the least clean I’ve felt in my life. I waddled home with nothing to show for my efforts, and one less pair of boxer shorts, which were discarded in an undisclosed location during the waddle home after an intensive cost-benefit analysis of my situation and affinity to that particular pair of boxers.
Usually I’m not the type to fall victim to the myriad health-related trends that inundate our eyes, ears, and in some cases clothing, via that evil media monster. But I got curious. I’d never done anything like it before. The idea of flushing my system was exciting at first. So in keeping with the saying: “You can’t knock it until you try it…” I tried it. And now, I am most definitely knocking it. Pop culture schemes are probably the worst and most unrealistic means to achieving a healthy lifestyle. Yet new ones keep coming up, and we Americans keep subjecting ourselves to them to no avail. As a nation, we are still largely unhealthy. It’s time to rethink our approach.
There will never be a quick fix for those seeking a healthier life. This seems like an obvious statement, yet we keep indulging in ridiculous health trends, neglecting or ignoring what we know to be true about getting healthy. It is difficult and requires serious, sustained changes in our lifestyles.
These fads are a testament to the state of health awareness in the country. The more we indulge in them, the more we become disillusioned about how to live well and in good health. In reality, we can rely on no one but ourselves with our discipline and motivation as tools to lead better, healthier lives. Subscribing to trends, as I did, only serves to keep us further away from where we need to be. Don’t try the Master Cleanse; it’s not worth it.
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