In life, there are certain universal truths: Gravity will make things fall at the same speed, the sun sets in the west, and if you were a little boy in the mid-’80s you watched the Transformers. If for some reason, you didn’t watch the Transformers, you are obviously breaking the laws of physics and shouldn’t exist.
Now that we’ve gotten rid of any people who won’t have a clue what we’re talking about, on to the review: “Transformers: The Movie,” is the culmination of the epic battle between the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons.
In the movie, the Autobots have been forced off their home planet of Cybertron by the Decepticons and they are staging a rebellion from several moon bases and a base here on Earth. In possibly the coolest battle of the movie, Optimus Prime, the Autobot leader, is killed by Megatron, the Decepticon leader.
Mason: It was very sad.
Josh: As a kid, I always wondered: when Optimus Prime changed from the trailer truck into the robot, where did his trailer go? That kept me up nights because I couldn’t figure it out.
But Megatron doesn’t get away unscathed; he is one small step from death’s door himself. In a rebellion by his subordinates, he is jettisoned into space and left for dead.
But Unicron, a giant robot of enormous power who eats planets, summons Megatron and gives him a new body with new powers. Megatron is reborn as Galvatron and goes on a mission to capture the matrix, a relic possessed by the leader of the Autobots that is passed down through generations, and it’s the only thing capable of destroying Unicron.
Through all of this, there is our young hero, Hot Rod, voiced by Judd Nelson, who is destined to save the day. He is the embodiment of the American spirit. He’s a hot rod, for cryin’ out loud.
Other vocal talent in the film includes Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron, Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar, and Orson Welles as Unicron.
Mason: A littleknown fact is that while Unicron is dying, if you turn the volume up really high, you can hear him saying “Rosebud.”
Josh: Mason, the depths to which you will sink for a bad joke continue to surprise me.
This movie is terrible in that really great way. There is hardly an original thought in the movie. Galvatron is a direct rip-off of Marvel Comics’ Galactus, there are many parallels with “Star Wars,” and even though it was released more than 15 years later, we are convinced that they got the whole matrix thing from 1999’s “The Matrix.”
The plot and dialogue are also so bad that it’s painfully funny. Just look:
“Now all we need is a little energon , and a lot of luck.” — Optimus
“I’ve got better things to do tonight than die.” — Springer, one of Hot Rod’s Autobot friends.
“I’ll rip out your optics!” — Megatron
“Tell my son I’m coming home as soon as we kick Megatron’s tail across the galaxy.” — Spike, a human friend of the Autobots.
Even thought the movie has all these things going against it, we still loved it. Something about that childhood bond makes us forgive any shortcomings. If the new Pokémon generation were to see this movie, they would probably gag from boredom.
Not to mention that half the audience would start having seizures because of the fast cuts and flashing lights that permeate the film.
Josh: I just don’t have the short attention span I had when I was 8. I really needed a huge box of candy for a sugar rush.
But the Transformers represent such mythic characters in the minds that they helped shape. It will take much more than these things to turn us away. Plus, we love that Transforming sound. You know, the sound they make when they change shape. Man, that takes you back.
Mason: Yeah.
Josh: (making the noise) Chur chur chur! Kind of like the $6 million man.
We give this movie three stars. However if you still don’t know who the Transformers are, you shouldn’t have read this far and you shouldn’t see this movie. Your puny minds would probably collapse.