With tensions running high and tempers about to flare out of control in the Middle East, it seems that a nice little diversion would go a long way to maintaining peace in the war-ready region. Thus, as your humble, disaffected and disillusioned young American columnist, I have several ideas on small jihads that could divert attention away from a situation that could otherwise escalate to World War III.
Now, for the uninformed, a jihad is a Muslim holy war apparently called by religious leaders when an attack is necessary to preserve or avenge their people. Obviously, I advocate ineffective jihads, limiting the liability to all parties, including myself.
For a little background, you should consider some warm-up jihads. A holy war against the imperial forces of Luxembourg might be a good way to kick off the festivities. Or you may want to try to think globally and act locally by calling for a jihad against your local garbage men. Even a jihad against swine farmers might be a nice unity builder for the inflamed region.
Personally, I’d like to see the most aggressive anger aimed at perhaps the most despised character in America – nay, the world – Carrot Top. Some may say that the tyrannical likes of Pol Pot and Burger King should be taken down first in the name of an almighty deity, but I suggest Señor Top because there won’t be any noticeable resistance, and success builds confidence for future undertakings.
But targets are surely not enough for a jihad worthy of a top spot in the hereafter. Just as important as a goal is a plan to execute it. Here are a few steps of initiative I’d like to see those in the Middle East, on either side of the Israeli-Arab conflict, put into effect.
First, a would-be hero must bring three forms of picture identification, with proof of address, to the local munitions dump. There the desk help will take the customer through a step-by-step questionnaire to find exactly what kind of weapons will be best put to use. I recommend lots and lots of explosives. Even if you don’t hit your exact target, it makes CNN every time.
Next, rent or steal an unmarked primer-gray van. Such a vehicle is treated with the same overwhelming disregard throughout the world, and allows for maximum damage during any attack. If you’re not seen, you can’t be stopped.
Get as close as possible to your target. In the instance of Carrot Top, you don’t need to be all that close, because his gargantuan, flaming orange hair gives off a one-mile glow.
Finally, realize that all the preceding talk was of a wry humor borne of weariness of the never-ending real-world tension in the Middle East. At some point this particular conflict went so far beyond the pale of forgivable human anger that it became sorrowfully comical. But it’s only as funny as this column. That’s sad.