Make your own YouTube movies
It’s easy really. Grab a camera phone, a half-rack of PBRs and a kitten. Now throw the kitten onto a piano and let the camera and the good times roll. It’s a week of fun that you can share with everyone!
Week-long sleeping contest
Being conscious can cost a shitload of money, and it’s likely you’ve spent significantly more time this term away from your bed than in it – so why not spend your week off getting reacquainted with those soft sheets and warm comforters you’ve grown so far apart from? If sleeping through your break seems like a waste, try making a competition out of it with your friends. See who can stay in bed the longest, or who can sustains the biggest bedsores. Remember that performance-enhancing drugs ruin the game, so easy on the Tylenol PM.
Marathon of every movie Samuel L. Jackson has ever appeared in
Instead of partaking in overrated pastimes like interacting with family and loved ones or seeing the sun, try grabbing a pot of coffee and devoting the next 216 consecutive hours of your vacation to the man, the myth, Sam Jackson. Having never read a movie script he didn’t like – as long as it came attached to a healthy paycheck – Jackson has appeared in more than 70 films in the last three decades. From the highs of his Spike Lee roles and mastery of the monologue as Jules Winnfield in “Pulp Fiction,” to the lows of working with Eugene Levy, Jackson’s explicitly verbose, upside-your-head charisma will max out your Netflix queue and cost you next to nothing but your sanity.
Google-search all the places you wish you were going this spring break
Wow, the lights of the Vegas strip sure are mesmerizing. Oh those white-sand beaches in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico are just to die for. God, Paris really is a city for lovers. Okay sure, you’ll be sitting at home hundreds and thousands of miles away from these places, but cheer up, they all have great Wikipedia pages.
File a class-action lawsuit
Step one: Take two or three of your friends to a pet store, purchase $1 feeder mice. Step two: Take your two or three friends to Wendy’s, purchase $1 cups of chili. Step three: Place mice in chili, scream bloody murder. Step four: Sue the shit out of Wendy’s. Step five: figure out how to spend your $100,000.
Can’t afford Vancouver, BC? Try Vancouver, Wash.
Forget about Vancouver, BC – skiing is bourgeois, fancy dining is passé and Canadians are well, you know, Canadians – because “The Couv” has everything anyone could ever want at a fraction of the price. “You might be a redneck” jokes come to life in this booming metropolis where the finest stores – Walmart, Kmart, Bi-Mart – feature low prices that let you treat yourself to microwaved corn dogs and Confederate flag Yosemite Sam shirts without having to feel guilty about it.
Fuck a road trip, ride the rails instead
Well, looks like gas prices are going up again, guess you’ll have to postpone that road trip to Tijuana, Mexico. Wait, hold on, there’s another way – one that tramps and ragamuffins have been using for well over one hundred years. It’s the United States railways and nothing gets the juices of life flowing faster than outrunning train yard security, eating dead rat meat and avoiding getting shanked by ravenous stabbing hobos. Did I mention that it’s all free?
Free sample-horde at Costco
Bring a fake mustache, sunglasses and some chin putty and you’ll be hitting up the same Ortega salsa and Progresso hearty soup samples all damn day.
Get drunk at the Oregon Vortex
The Oregon Vortex is a geographical anomaly some 150 miles south of Eugene in Gold Hill, Ore. that defies the laws of physics and forms optical illusions that may not all be in your head. Alcohol has a similar effect, and when the two are combined they are capable of formulating a feeling of extreme euphoria – or possibly pain, I can’t really remember which.
Get a job
In this economy? Yeah, right.
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