It’s easy to hate Valentine’s Day when you’re single. The holiday doesn’t favor those of us without a “special someone” in our lives, and all the hype surrounding it only emphasizes the idea that having a romantic relationship is of the utmost importance, and that without one we cannot possibly be happy or feel “whole.”
Couples are encouraged to buy chocolates, roses and cards to show their affection, while from mid-January through mid-February, the people flying solo have to close their eyes and rush past the candy section at the grocery store to avoid seeing blatant reminders of their loneliness. Some of my friends, who are normally relatively OK with being single, now complain about how unhappy they are and how having a significant other would make everything better, if only to have someone with whom to celebrate the holiday. Others, who are already in relationships and currently fighting, see Valentine’s Day as a way to work out the problems and stay together.
But as the holiday approaches and some couples use it as a way to “fix” things, it is important to remember that not all relationships should be fixed. During the Valentine’s Day frenzy, domestic violence should not be overlooked – candy and flowers are not a remedy for abuse. The day may just be a silly event perpetuated by card and candy companies, but it can contribute to the often-strong social pressure to be in a relationship that may drive people into unhealthy and even dangerous situations and make them feel as if they should stay, despite potential abuse.
Abusive relationships are becoming all too common among the college-aged population, where academic stress, pressure from friends and the genuine desire for companionship are prevalent. Along with other reasons, such as hope for improvement, isolation from others and even love and commitment, social pressure is a driving factor in why many young adults choose to stay in abusive relationships, says Trisha Hunsaker, Sexual Assault Educator at the College of William and Mary.
“A new study finds that almost half of undergraduate students say they have experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in personal relationships,” according to an article published in the July issue of the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine and reported in the Washington Post. Numerous incidents are reported on a daily basis and more schools are struggling to find an appropriate way to deal with abusive relationships. For example, an article in The Badger Herald, the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s independent student newspaper, discusses dating violence on campus and plans of action to address and resolve the issues as they arise. Ervin Cox, assistant dean of students for student advocacy and judicial affairs at Wisconsin, assured students that “when there is a case that involves some kind of abuse of another person, the university takes action.” But students pointed out that these crimes are largely underreported, which makes dealing with them difficult.
Having never been in an abusive relationship, it’s easy for me to say that if my partner abused me, emotionally or physically, I would not hesitate to break up with him. However, leaving an unhealthy relationship actually takes a great deal of strength and some young people end up seriously wounded, emotionally scarred and even dead.
For instance, in 2007, Heather Norris, a 20-year-old Indianapolis resident, died at the hands of her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Joshua Bean. The two had a rocky relationship, and Norris had filed assault charges against Bean more than once, according to reports. Heather’s friends and family were aware of Bean’s violent behavior. She even expressed her dissatisfaction with her life through MySpace blog posts. Yet she continued to go back to her boyfriend and on or around April 13, 2007, Bean stabbed Norris to death at his home, cut up the corpse with a chain saw, burned the dismembered body parts, and placed the remains in several trash bags, which he left in a hotel parking lot. If Heather had suffered abuse prior to her murder, why did she continue the relationship with her boyfriend? And, more importantly, what could have been done to prevent it?
While many couples will be searching for the perfect way to say, “I love you” on Saturday, others will be taking part in V-Day, a global movement advocating for an end to violence against women. V-Day is a non-profit corporation that “distributes funds to grassroots, national and international organizations and programs that work to stop violence against women and girls,” according to its Web site. The movement proclaims Valentine’s Day as V-Day, “to celebrate women and end the violence” by increasing awareness and raising money to assist existing anti-violence organizations. This day of violence awareness assures women worldwide that help is available and an abusive relationship is in no way better than no relationship. As part of this year’s V-Day, the McDonald Theater is staging a production of the Vagina Monologues Feb. 9 and 10 at 7 p.m. to benefit Sexual Assault Support Services.
No matter the pressures women (or men) might feel to be in a relationship, roses and chocolates are not enough to say, “I’m sorry, but I really do love you” in the midst of a relationship that involves any kind of violence.
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Daily Emerald
February 8, 2009
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