I’m so not into Valentine’s Day. If it were still socially acceptable for me to build a mailbox out of tissue boxes and doilies to collect candy and cards featuring cuddly Disney characters, things might be different. But, as it stands, my feelings toward the “holiday” resulted in much trepidation about how to approach this column, as I didn’t want to turn out some cheese-soaked drivel about how stuffed bears and flowers remind me I’m perfectly happy not being in a relationship.
So, I decided to write about the one love affair to which I’m not ashamed to admit: my relationship with Craigslist.
Craig and I began seeing each other around the time I came to college. My online exploits had previously consisted of a few unsatisfactory purchases on eBay (a malfunctioning CD burner, back when they were still sold separately, and a pair of Diesel jeans that smelled eerily like diesel fuel).
But I’d heard about the abundance of cheap furniture and cheaper sex that Craig had to offer, and I was an 18-year-old male with newfound freedom and a dorm room to decorate. Seemed like an ideal situation to me. I ventured to the Eugene homepage, and in no time lost myself among ads for used VCRs, “like-new” coffee tables and threesomes. The rest, as they say, is history. I can now count a bed frame, a desk, a roommate, a house and a full dining room furniture set among the things Craig has contributed to our dream relationship.
One thing, though, I’ve always been skeptical about finding on Craigslist (or anywhere else, for that matter) is an actual relationship. One that involves two living, breathing, whining, clinging humans. My cyber love affair had provided me with a place to live and hours of entertainment – what more could I ask for? Plus, it just seems so unlikely to meet someone with any degree of sanity in a place where one can also find ads for a “Free giant bug electrocution device of uncertain functionality” and postings from an “ADORABLE girl in prison” who “seeks male” and “loves the beach” (posted in Hawaii and San Luis Obispo, respectively, in case anyone is interested).
But one gets tired of the endless cycle of coffees at Roma, beers at Max’s, “watching” movies, and unresponded-to texts that come with the college dating territory. And, we’ve all seen eHarmony commercials – I’ll admit, those people look pretty happy.
Then, one sweltering Thursday afternoon last summer, I was strolling (or, perhaps, trolling) the sidewalk outside the Duck Store, and as I shamelessly whistled along to the Rihanna blaring in my ears, my eye was caught by a truly ADORABLE individual walking in my direction. It was clear his eye had been caught as well, and as we passed each other we experienced what could only be described as a “missed connection.” I finally had the chance to put my cynicism to the test. That evening, I plucked up the most courage I could muster, crafted a witty-yet-relaxed message, and posted my Missed Connection with the mystery hottie on Craigslist.
Cut to seven months later, and I’ve just done something I vowed in the 5th grade never to do – I agreed to be Mr. Adorable’s valentine.
Alright, I know I promised to avoid all that mushy shit. But, despite my scrooge-ish-ness, tomorrow millions of people will still go out to buy heart-shaped chocolate boxes and bouquets of pink flowers by the truckload.
I would like to suggest an alternative. If you really want to show that oh-so-special someone that you care, or if you’re just looking for a little no-strings nookie to keep you warm on a cold February night, consider Craig – he’s still never let me down.
And, if you’re worried your ad might not find the same level of success mine did, just remember these tips. First: Avoid asking the person out for coffee, beer or sex (at least at first). These posters are a dime a dozen, and you want to stand out. Second: Be smart, but don’t be a douchebag. Showing off your thesaurus-sized vocabulary on a Web site that features a section offering erotic services makes you look more desperate than clever. And third: Have some class. Writing “hey, saw you walking into subway, you gots a sticker on your car’s gas tank. that fat dude jared was right, eating at subway does make you look good,” or titling your ad “I flipped you off on my bike today, you returned the favor, call me?” probably won’t get you very far.
Happy posting and, if you’re into it, happy holidays.
(Editor’s note: Andrew Edwards has always thought of himself as more of a Dan Savage than a Carrie Bradshaw, and has never paid for sex, though he was once charged extra for a particularly friendly massage.)
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Craigslist love connections
Daily Emerald
February 12, 2009
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