Some weeks ago I was in Austin, Texas, and was able to attend a University of Texas football game. Naturally I noticed several obvious differences between the University of Oregon football program and that of the Texas Longhorns: Their stadium capacity is nearly twice ours, they have a really good quarterback and everyone likes to stick the index and little fingers of their right hand into the air while shouting, “Hook ‘em!”
I took this to be an obscene gesture that hadn’t yet made its way north until some locals explained that the fingers were supposed to be horns — longhorns.
Then they pointed toward the field and there, grazing on the artificial turf of the south end zone, was Bevo, an authentic 1,800-pound Texas Longhorn. He just stands there during the home games and the fans absolutely love it.
That is exactly what Autzen Stadium needs: A living, breathing animal to represent the collective sporting desires of the UO community.
Puddles, the stunningly energetic human in a duck costume, is fine, but why not spring for the real thing? We need an actual duck to epitomize the spirit of our University. If UT can have a live animal mascot, why can’t we?
Worried about the cost? A well-bred Longhorn costs tens of thousands of dollars and requires acres of land for grazing. Ducks are free at Alton Baker Park, and they eat little plants and bugs and bread crumbs.
Concerned about safety? Bevo once charged the Baylor Marching Band during a game, and a Longhorn’s horns can be seven feet long. Ducks don’t even have teeth.
Afraid that a duck will look small and pathetic down there on the field? Our opponents will underestimate us.
Seriously let’s do this. Let’s take it right to President Lariviere’s office. We can make signs! Maybe we can start a club and sell baked goods outside the bookstore! And we can feed our new duck with the muffins we don’t sell.
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