Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
On Monday, local coffee shop Espresso Roma announced it will be closing down this spring and re-opening as a Dutch Bros.
“We just believed it would be a much better business move,” said Greg Gates, owner of Espresso Roma. The ownership is expected to remain the same, and the only changes they plan on making to the appearance of the shop are a large windmill on the front door and the logos on the cups and signs.
“We want this to be our ‘hipster rebellion‘ store,” said Joey McCapitalist, CEO of Dutch Bros. “We loved what Espresso Roma was doing, but they need some of that big name flare to really take them to the next level.”
Eugene’s hipster population is up in arms.
“Where am I supposed to talk about indie bands that nobody else has heard of?” said university sophomore Chad Huxley. “All the other coffee shops are so … mainstream.”
The Society of Ambiguous Hipster and Non-Conformist Affairs has begun petitioning for the federal government to step in and prevent this corporate take over from happening.
“How can we feel safe in this country?” said Damien Pierce, president of the SAHNCA. “We spend all this money fighting terrorism across the world, but good American citizens can’t even escape caffinated terrorism on the home front.”
Sorority and Fraternity life, however, seems to be thrilled by these changes.
“OMG! I freaking love Dutch Bros.!” said Stacey Styles, University freshman and president of Kappa Epsilon Gamma. Sorority girls across the campus have been spotted wearing “Countdown to Dutch Bros.” tanktops and wristbands.
Pierce says he doesn’t think the government will get involved, but he will still fight “the good fight,” because if he doesn’t, nobody else will.
“I just don’t see what could be more important to the federal government than a small coffee shop in Eugene, Ore.,” said Pierce. “And they call this the land of the free.”
The SAHNCA has requested assistance from Emerald hipster reporter Andrew Hitz, but he has denied any involvement with the cause.
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