The following is a part of our Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
When a Duck fan is asked to describe the essence of the football experience, they’ll usually say three things: Autzen, tailgating, and cheerleaders. They’ve become a staple of the University of Oregon football scene, unmistakable in their yellow and green skirts and midriff-bearing tops. For years, they’ve cheered our various sports teams – that is until lead football coach Chip Kelly made the decision last week to disband the squad and replace them with interpretive dancers.
Kelly claimed the announcement to retire the UO cheerleaders came after he read over the requirements for applying on the “Go Ducks” website. The specific requirements for men and women to be “physically fit and be proportioned height to weight” are shallow and degrading, he wrote in a recent statement. He claims the constant barrage of scantily-clad women also took away from the spirit of the game and distracted not only the players, but the audience as well.
However, sources have commented that the decision stems from the bitterness Kelly still maintains from being rejected from his own university’s cheerleading squad. Kelly has declined to comment in-depth on that matter, stating only “even if I had, the squad was really stupid. They didn’t win anything… it doesn’t even matter to me anymore.”
The new group of dancers will debut at the civil war game between UO and OSU. The group is said to consist of somewhere near 300 participants, ranging from classically trained ballerinas to circus performers. The group doesn’t follow any set choreography, and so no captain is necessary. They generally hold meetings outside in the rain, where they are able to“let their spirits guide their movements” said Junior Ted Jansen, a member of the jazz dancing faction.
Jansen, who has been a jazzercisest for close to a decade, said the group – who is opposed to any categorization or labels, thus referring to themselves as the “group” – was assembled mostly through Craigslist ads and postings at Starbucks by Kelly. As far as auditions goes, Jensen remembers meeting Kelly in an abandoned warehouse with a handful of other dancers and being led in an interpretive dance to AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” by Kelly himself. The process took over five hours, and Jensen said those who hadn’t fainted during or after the finale were signed up.
“Girls were crying on the floor, and I definitely saw one guy in the corner sobbing for his mom,” said Jensen, “but I saw Coach Chip just keep going and going. I knew I had to keep up if I wanted in.”
When faced with the cuts, the cheerleading squad was said to have been outraged; though there is little evidence as the meeting regarding their termination was held in total secrecy. There have been no comments from officials concerning the severance, but the status updates on Facebook over the last few weeks from ex-cheerleaders paints a picture of confusion and frustration.
“How are we sexist or chauvinistic?! We’re just too hot, GET OVER IT!” said one. “Chip and his circus dancers can kiss my spirited ass” said another. Many have joined a newly formed group on Facebook titled “UO Students against Interpretive Dance.”
Though the reaction from the severed squad has proved overwhelmingly against the new sideline entertainment, many Duck fans have expressed excitement over the group. A recent Youtube video of a portion of the group dancing and singing to a Glee-inspired rendition of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” recently went viral and has garnered almost 500,000 views already. Kelly said he hopes that this new direction for the game entertainment will offer a more “mature outlook” with “increased artistic appreciation.”
“I don’t really care about what they sing and stuff,” said Sophomore Cody Brokowski, “I’m just hoping some of the chicks are hot.”