Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
After its ninth consecutive win last Saturday, sources have reported that the Oregon football team is quickly running out of things to beat.
“Football is getting so boring,” LaMichael James said. “We usually start off the first half slow, just to make the second half more fun.”
Last month the team grew so tired of college football that it started playing local high schools. They soon found they were winning too quickly — often beating up to five high school teams in one night.
Realizing they were exhausting all their opponents in football, players agreed that branching out into other areas would be a welcomed challenge.
“We can’t find anything we can’t do,” Jeff Maehl said. “We’ve even gotten good at classes.”
The team has been ranked number one in tennis, volleyball, baseball, racquetball, dodgeball and even amateur tetherball. They’ve defeated every single team in every single sport officially recognized in Oregon.
“Once we started playing against elementary schools, things really got fun,” head coach Chip Kelly said. “We showed them who’s boss.”
The team plans to go into competitive spelling bees once it conquers this year’s OSAA Dance and Drill competition.
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