Editor’s note: the following is a part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Phil Knight, the University of Oregon’s own personal sugar daddy, announced yesterday at the annual Charity for Personal Benefit Dinner that Nike will be making a $500,000 donation to the University Live Action Role Playing team.
“As an avid World of Warcraft player, I’ve always considered investing in fantasy role-play,” Knight said.
The announcement came as a surprise to the president of the LARP club, 37-year-old University senior Merlin Taberknackle.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” Taberknackle said. “We can finally get the mages new bowstaffs and our orcs brand-new fangs.”
Though Taberknackle doesn’t know where funds are going to go, Knight illustrated a three-part plan, including Nike-sponsored swords and shields, plans to restructure the Memorial Quad with a moat and drawbridge, and even hiring J.R.R. Tolkien, author of the “Lord of the Rings” series and an expert in both medieval combat and black magic.
“These kids have potential, but they really need improvement on their Blizzaga spell,” Tolkien said.
Rumors indicate that Tolkien was actually second on the list of coaching candidates, but the University was left with no choice but to hire him after they realized that King Arthur was dead.
“Wait you mean J.R.R. Tolkien is dead too?” Knight said. “Well, crap.”
Tolkien could not be reached for comment as of deadline.
opinion@dailyemerald.com