September 12, 2010, was probably just another day for you. But for me it was the best day ever — the day I finally got to retire from Safeway, after four years of indentured servitude.
In that time, I learned skills that are absolutely worthless in the real world: how to push eight carts at once, how to manipulate the bottle machine into reading any can you want and how to ring up an organic purple top turnip (put in 94811 and hit enter).
While no one ever has any life-changing experiences slaving away in the check stands or taking Grandma’s bags to the car for her, one thing really stuck with me. That’s just how many ways a customer can piss a Safeway employee off.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve wanted to bash my head against the register.
In case you were wondering, here are just some of the ways you, as a customer, can make a Safeway employee’s life worse than it already is.
 
Double paper in plastic
 
So you go to your local Safeway, buy a box of Twinkies, some corn dogs and a Diet Pepsi (as if that is going to help). Then you go through the line, and instead of being a normal human being and taking one small plastic bag, you request that your three small items be double-paper-bagged-in-plastic because you’re “walking home.”
The worker then wrestles a paper bag open into a plastic bag  and then works another paper bag into that paper bag just for your damn Twinkies and corn dogs.
If you want to maintain a friendly relationship with a worker, just take one bag. It saves trees, time and murmured curse words.
 
“Oh, I have a bag”
 
You decide that you need to shop for the apocalypse and gather two carts full of groceries in the aisles.
When you go through the line you let the checker get about halfway through the order, bagging in plastic, and then you say, “Oh, wait, I have these bags. Can you load everything in these?”
You then loft like three million flimsy, useless bags into the check stand.
To satisfy your late urge to be eco-friendly, the worker has to unload all those bags and re-bag them into your cheesy “Go Green” reusables. I don’t care how environmentally friendly those things are, they are a complete nuisance for employees.
Sometimes I thought about how I’d rather be in an ecological apocalypse than have to deal with those bags.
 
Battle-crying babies
 
Have you ever been in the grocery store and heard a screaming baby echoing throughout the entire place? Do you remember how irritated you were? Well, imagine being bolted into place for the whole 45 minutes that the baby is in the store unable to go outside, put headphones on, or make rude gestures towards the parents who can’t control their kids.
I can’t emphasize this enough: If you have children with you, there is no greater nuisance or embarrassment to the human race than allowing them to act like a fool and scream in front of everyone because they can’t have a candy bar. So get that kid in check; be a parent.
 
“I’m 22, bro”
 
Running low on a Saturday night, you and all of your friends decide to go get more booze. You all go to the local Safeway, grab three 24-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and check out.
As the checker begins to ring things up, he asks to see all of your IDs. You, being the responsible one, show your driver’s license, proving that you’re of age, but your friend forgot his. The checker is then required by store policy to refuse your service and you are pissed.
“I’m 22 man! This is b!@#$^&%#!” you’ll shout, with your friends snickering in the background. But unfortunately, no beer can be served.
All the checker can do is call the manager and think about how much they want to murder you for being so rude.
 
And this is just the start. I can name about 20 more instances that can drive a Safeway employee to insanity.
Looking back on it all, I can honestly say Safeway wasn’t the worst job in the world. I met a lot of great people there, I paid the bills (though sometimes late) and my work schedule tended to be pretty compatible with school. But if I spent another week there, I probably would’ve died from a combination of boredom, frustration and arthritis.
Mashing away at those keys can wear you out, I tell you.
 
[email protected]