Editor’s note: This is a satirical article published as part of the Emerald’s “Shallot” series.
The University boasts a considerable list of notable alumni and other associates. Author Chuck Palahniuk graduated from the University; so did Portland Mayor Sam Adams. There’s also the beloved Steve Prefontaine, as well as Nike founders Phil Knight and Bill Bowerman. However, there is one person who maintains their celebrity status here on campus, keeping the rest a secret from almost everyone. Seeing this person on the street or going into their office, you might never know his other life — the life of fighting crime and bringing justice to the world. This person is University of Oregon President Richard Lariviere; but you might also know him as the Great Fedora.
Traipsing around campus in his everyday attire, Lariviere is anything but unnoticeable. With his sometimes-cloth, sometimes-straw hat, his clean suits and his confident stride, he isn’t exactly the Clark Kent type of alter-ego. But go beyond the classy exterior, and you’ll find a crime fighting machine.
Sophomore Lauren Vermiester was the first to discover Lariviere’s secret, after witnessing him going behind a tree in his everyday clothes and emerging in a green, Batman-esque outfit. Vermiester said she’s surprised no one noticed sooner though, as he still wore his characteristic hat and his face was covered only by a green face plate over his eyes.
“I was walking home from a party,” said Vermiester, “and I see him and I’m pretty sure he’s the president, but then he comes out from behind the tree and he looks like a really suave Batman. Then he just runs off in the direction of the party, and in a couple of minutes the party is over. It was crazy.”
Regardless, no one connected the masked vigilante — who has been spotted at scenes ranging from petty theft to out-of-control house parties — to our mild-mannered, if not a little eccentric, president.
The Great Fedora, as students and faculty have been calling him, first appeared last week, breaking up an altercation at a local convenience store. Witnesses say the Great Fedora emerged from the ceiling vent halfway through the incident, landing on a man who had been threatening the cashier with a machete. Jane Flowers, who was in the store getting coffee, remembers backing up towards the door before seeing the Great Fedora come down and begin reciting ancient Sanskrit, putting the perpetrator in a trance until police were able to arrive on the scene.
Now that Lariviere’s secret is out, many believe the publicity will positively affect the University’s reputation. Junior Kevin Marsh said some of his out-of-state friends have begun making fan videos of Lariviere in action.
One clip shows Lariviere bursting through the ceiling of the Lillis Business Complex and verbally assaulting a man who witnesses say was being a little too gruff with a server at the cafe.
“He just came in and put the guy in his place. It was the classiest beatdown I’ve ever seen,” said freshman Nick Petts. “I think it would have been cool if he punched him or something, though.”
There has been no official statement from the school or Lariviere, leaving a lot of unanswered questions amongst students and staff, specifically about his reported “batcave.” Receipts from the University’s account show purchases equaling the 7.5% increase in tuition exactly. Items included state-of-the-art utility belts, all-green modern furniture from IKEA and a firefighter pole extending from a room in the Erb Memorial Union to an undisclosed location beneath it.
After the story was leaked last Thursday, Lariviere has been difficult to find, keeping to his office and answering only emergency calls. Some are maintaining that the entire story is a hoax, and that Lariviere and the Great Fedora have no connection.
Vermiester, however, has no doubts about the identity of University’s own Batman: “Does no one understand I literally saw his face? If he didn’t want to be discovered, maybe he shouldn’t have covered only his eyes. Our president is definitely a superhero.”