Editors note: The following is satire. All content is amazingly fake.
For most native Oregonians, the recent wave of downpours is nothing out of the ordinary. The lake-sized puddles everywhere you step, the icy wind chill and hard-hitting raindrops that hit your face no matter how far you bend your head down – just the typical occurrences as winter in Oregon traipses around the corner. Some UO students, however, are finding the weather inclinations too hard to handle, resulting in almost half of the student body transferring out of state.
Freshman Sara Armstrong grew up in New Mexico, and chose to attend UO to run for the track team, and because her tuition would be covered in full by the school.  Once the rain became more frequent, though, Armstrong realized the “awful, awful mistake” she had made.
“I feel like I’m in a third-world country or something,” said Armstrong, standing in a tank top, a pair of denim shorts and soaked Ugg boots. “It never stops raining! I didn’t think this much rain could exist!”
After missing a week of classes because she didn’t want to walk in the rain, Armstrong decided to transfer to a community college in Oklahoma. She said she can’t see herself being able to function in Oregon any longer, and doesn’t even “want to imagine trying to get to parties in this ugly weather.” She’ll begin school in Oklahoma at the start of Winter Term, and though none of her credits will transfer, she feels like she made the right decision. “It’s just not worth it,” Armstrong said, “I hate anything that’s… not the sun… so much.”
And she isn’t the only one who thinks so; so far, over half of the freshman class and a little under a quarter of sophomore through senior year students have attempted to transfer out of UO.
Initially, the school was alarmed, believing the cause to be the school itself. The school organized a survey for those transferring, and discovered most cited the abrupt weather change as the main reason; the voter registration volunteers came in second.
Junior Kamran Samadi moved from Iran to attend the UO to study business. At the start of term, Samedi said he was overjoyed about all the opportunities the school had to offer. He loved the campus and the people, and said moving here was the best decision of his life.
Until the rain set in.
Samedi said he was walking to the [common outdoor place people eat/hang out] with his lunch when suddenly, a huge torrent of rain hit, soaking Samedi and his cheesy griller.
“It was the most horrific experience of my life,” said Samedi. “The coldest, wettest, worst thing I’ve ever been subjected to.”
Like Armstrong, Samedi immediately requested a transfer to Texas, the only state he thought would be enough of a change from Oregon. “I want this to go away,” said Samedi, clutching a poncho and umbrella. “No one warned me about this place and its weather. It’s not natural.”
The decrease in student body projected for the winter term doesn’t seem to worry many. School officials maintain that leaving the school because of the rain is outrageous, and haven’t taken any steps to try and convince those transferring to stay. Students, too have spoken out about the trend; some even going as far as to taunt the rain-loathing faction. Reports of masked students throwing buckets of water and wet leaves at those who have expressed disliking the amount of rain in Eugene have been overwhelming.
Recently, after being chased into puddles by a masked tormentor wearing an “I Love My Ducks” t-shirt, Armstrong said she found protection under a tree until her roommate could come and piggy-back her home. “And while I was waiting,” she said, “an acorn fell on my head. It’s like Oregon hates me or something.”