David Paul-Smith, or DPS, asked for a puppy last term to help fight infamous playground bully Osama bin Laden.
“Can I PLEASE have a puppy?” DPS said while sucking on a lollipop. “I’ll feed it and walk it and train it to smell bombs from far, far away!”
DPS believes that he needs the puppy to protect him from tragic events like 9/11, which happened 10 years ago in the most populated city in America.
“I’m just not sure how much of a threat bin Laden is here in little old Eugene,” Mommy said. “While I do believe we need to increase security precautions with the shiny new buildings and increased population, I think little DPS is being a little paranoid about the big bad bully.”
The proposal comes around the same time that little DPS has also requested shiny new toys like Tasers and guns.
“I just want a really cool toy box,” DPS said.
DPS believes that his cool toys will deter crime and terrorism from striking the streets of Eugene. He believes that the new Matthew Knight Arena has made him and his city a target for bin Laden’s bullying.
“Eugene — where is that?” bin Laden said, confused. “I don’t think I’d waste my time in Eugene.”
DPS is hoping to get his dream puppy, shiny new guns and Tasers for next Christmas, which would cost mommy and various tax payers thousands of dollars.
Though he acknowledged the high cost, DPS believes that our safety is worth the investment and that the puppy will save us from the world ending on Dec. 21, 2012.
“I’ll teach my puppy to fight crime, recover lost children and save the world!” Glossy-eyed and seemingly power-hungry DPS said.
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