I couldn’t bear it any longer. After years of sweet innocence, naivete and befuddlement, I had to discover for myself what the hubbub was all about. Why do people wear Uggs, when they’re obviously ugly? I resolved to investigate the Ugg boot frenzy, or die trying. I promised myself I would do whatever it took, no matter how many friends I lost or people I left dead and bloodied along the way.
With this in mind, I made my way to the local shoe retail shop and asked the tall brunette attendant for a pair of men’s Ugg boots, size 10.
“I’m sorry, we’re out of the men’s sizes,” she said.
I took a deep breath and squished my pride into the furthest reaches of my inner being.
“Can I try on a pair of women’s boots then?”
The saleswoman stared at me as if I was currently urinating on her Doc Martens. “I’m not going to buy them,” I quickly assured her.
She went into the back room and emerged a minute later with a pair of baby-blue women’s size 13 Uggs. I glanced around the store. No one in sight. I took a deep breath. And awkwardly shoved them on.  
Instantly, my feet felt as if they were treading on the backs of miniature sheep. I hate to say it, but it was actually kind of delightful. I waddled over to the mirror, took a quick glance at my reflection — and almost threw up into the shoe box. My tie-dye shirt and dark blue jeans clashed horrendously with the Uggs.
“You’d be the only guy rockin’ those,” chirped the saleswoman.
No kidding. I checked the price tag: $184. Yikes. I yanked off the cantankerous contraptions, made a mad dash for the exit and spent the next five hours playing Halo in order to regain my lost sense of manhood.
For as long as I can remember, Uggs and I have always kept our distance, but lately, those boots have been getting downright personal.
Several months ago, my girlfriend came to visit me at school. She burst into my apartment, gave me a hug, plopped down on the floor and, with some effort, yanked off her thick black boots. Dumbfounded, I stared at her boots nestled cozily in my assortment of shoes. Ugg boots. I resisted the urge to scream bloody murder like a teenage girl at a Justin Bieber concert.   
For the life of me, I can’t understand Uggs. Yes, I get that they’re warm and comfy and all unique and everything. But so are baby wombats, and you don’t see people walking around with those things strapped to their feet, do you?
And yet, for years now, they’ve been the most popular women’s boots on college campuses across America. Just try walking down the street without spotting at least a dozen ladies clomping about in these dastardly devices. Why the Ugg craze? And where did they come from?
According to the Ugg Australia website, Uggs have been on American soil since 1978 when an Australian surfer named Brian Smith brought the strange boots with him. Ah, if only the American customs officials had detained Mr. Smith and his formidable footwear products while they’d had the chance. Too late now.
“They are a lot like the Crocs phenomenon,” said Sarah-Jean Ballard, founder of Fashionable Media. “Ugly, hideous footwear that is so incredibly comfortable, people can’t resist it.”
I knew it. It’s like a drug, an epidemic or a zombie outbreak. Soon we’ll all be Ugg-zombies. Personally, I’d be more in favor of a zombie revolt than an Ugg boot revolution. Hey, at least you can chain-saw a zombie. Uggs are invincible.
For instance, the “I Hate Ugg Boots” group on Facebook has 6,603 members. But the Ugg Australia Company Facebook group takes the prize with a whopping 690,592 fans. Ugh.
Even after my investigative journalism skills were put through seriously rigorous testing, I’m still not sure if I entirely get why people (mostly women) wear Uggs. I’m just plain confused. Maybe the sheer ugliness factor is beaten out by the coziness factor. They say beauty in the eye of the beholder — well, I say maybe the beholder needs to see a frickin’ optometrist. Ladies of the world, I hate to break it to you, but Uggs are downright ugly.        
The wonders of science and technology have shown us how to split the atom, how to clone sheep and how to cryogenically freeze Walt Disney in a sealed chamber for later reanimation and world domination. But can science explain why Ugg boots are still so popular? Even science has its limits.
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