Disclaimer: This special April Fools’ edition contains spoofed content.
Just because the first black president didn’t work out doesn’t mean it’s too soon to vote for another black president in 2012. We can’t make the same mistake of picking just any old black Harvard lawyer off the street and thinking he’s going to get the job done. It is this very elitism that has alienated American people in the first place.
We need to elect someone who is in touch with the working people, or at least has served pizzas to them. This is why I’m backing former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain for president.
Cain is in touch with the needs of the business community, which in turn means he’s in touch with the needs of the average American, who’s depending on the business community to hire him.
He knows that corporations need as much money as possible if they are to thrive and bring this country out of a deficit.
Some critics might contend that corporations are currently sitting on $1.5 trillion, with which they could hire Americans who are in need of employment. However, we have to look at the big picture when it comes to American prosperity.
Simply put, $1.5 trillion is not enough money help get America back on its feet. Consider this, during the greatest time for America’s economic prosperity, slavery accounted for 70 percent of America’s GDP, according to MeasuringWorth.com. This would amount to about $10 trillion.
Even with the outsourcing of industrial labor, undocumented workers and the prison industrial complex, there isn’t enough cheap labor to sustain the American people’s needs.
If the two-thirds of corporations that didn’t pay taxes last year were forced to use their cash holdings and potential tax revenue, they would have even less of a fraction of this $10 trillion to try and bring America back to its brightest economic days.
Spending has gotten out of hand, and the idea that hiring more people, with full wages and benefits, to get us out of this deficit is an outrageous solution. Just because so-called economic experts like Robert Reich say people with the least amount of money and assets are the most likely to spend and stimulate the economy, does not mean we should trust them.
Business interests — in other words, American interests — can’t prosper if they’re not allowed to keep as much money as possible to facilitate the tried-and-true method of trickle-down economics. The American people are going through dark, gloomy days. They could use a golden shower.
Cain is not just a fiscal wizard. He also has strong values. Cain has pledged that he won’t appoint any Muslims to his cabinet because he doesn’t want them to try to implement Sharia Law.
This coincides with his Tea Party backing and the many patriotic efforts they have made to stop Sharia in America. Under Cain, there is no reason to expect patriotic efforts such as picketing a Friday prayer at a mosque in California with dogs. Self-defense arsons at mosques in Tennessee and up the road in Corvallis would be thwarted by terrorist sympathizers.
After all, it was Muslims who attacked us on 9/11 and thus, we must never let our guard down. We must always be wary of people like Congressman Keith Ellison, who attempt to mislead us by quoting the Quran and insisting Islam is not a hate-filled religion.
Cain would make sure these sleeper cells never get the chance to pull the wool over the eyes of the American people. We know better. Even liberal pundit Bill Maher believes the Quran is a hate-filled book, based on his reading of a book about the Quran, rather than the propagandist work itself. Therefore it must be true.
Beyond defending America from the imminent threat of Sharia, Cain also serves to disprove myths such as racism within the Tea Party. In an interview with The Root, Cain proclaimed he has spoken at more than 100 Tea Party rallies and received standing ovations.
Why would these predominantly white audiences stand and applaud him if they were racists?
It makes no sense. Clearly Cain has a way of making people around him feel comfortable in a way that goes beyond politics.
The relationship he has with his Tea Party constituents and the American people is one of family, unlike that of our elitist Harvard law president.
Instead of seeing him as the cold and distant Candidate Herman Cain, we should see him as friendly Uncle Herman Cain.
We need someone who will serve the people instead of pushing his own interests and forcing legislation like health care reform, which slows down the health care process for rich Americans, through Congress.
America needs a president who won’t hesitate to say, “Yes, sir” and “No, sir” to the demands of its people, especially the ones who provide the most campaign contributions.
This country cannot sustain the reckless spending that provides jobs and health coverage for all Americans because that threatens our fragile business community and its meager $1.5 trillion of spending money.
We must bring America back to prosperity by voting for Uncle Herman in 2012.
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