Disclaimer: This special April Fools’ edition contains spoofed content
After an undisclosed locker room prank on Wednesday that head coach Chip Kelly described as “traumatizing,” Oregon running back LaMichael James announced his plans to transfer to rival school Oregon State and finish out his remaining two years of NCAA eligibility. James will spend the remainder of the academic school year in Eugene before transferring in the summer to begin workouts with the Beavers.
“It’s really sad, but I can’t really blame him,” running back Kenjon Barner said. “The prank Rob (Beard) pulled on him was terrible.” Rumors that the prank involved whipped cream, a banana and two small guinea pigs have not been confirmed or denied.
“I’m disappointed by our locker room conduct,” Kelly said. “I’m not sure LaMike will walk right for a week.”
The Eugene community has conducted several protests, including jersey burnings and throwing rocks at the John E. Jaqua Academic Center for Student Athletes. James has changed all his classes to online courses, and he has three undercover security guards around him at all times in public.  
The Facebook group “1,000,000 strong against LaMichael transferring to Oregon State” has been removed from Facebook after various death threats were posted.
“I really don’t want to do this,” James said. “But if you were me, you’d do the same thing.”
James has been reported walking with a limp and softly crying after practice.
“It’s been a rough week for the University of Oregon,” Suga Daddy Phil said. “But I supply gear for Oregon State as well … Score for me.” Suga Daddy Phil said he doesn’t really mind that James is transferring because he will still have him outfitted in Nike gear.
“If he went to Adidas-sponsored UCLA, I’d be devastated.”
While Oregon fans have been protesting and sending death threats, Oregon State fans have been sending love letters and party invites to James.
“When I first heard about this, I nearly had a heart attack,” Oregon State head coach Mike Riley said. “I was ecstatic. The whole team was ecstatic. You would’ve thought Jesus was returning or something.”
James said he is excited to finish this year out and to start practicing with his new teammates up the road. He is projected to start at halfback.
“Coach Riley is a good dude,” James said. “I’ll always love Chip and what he has done for me as a player, but I know I’m in good hands with Riley — our first names are really, really close.”
Now that James is leaving, Kelly said he is unsure how he will lead his team to any success.
“I’m unsure of how I will lead my team to any success,” Kelly said.
Ducks fans around Eugene have been seen demanding a press conference with James to see if there is anything they can do to keep him at the University, but James has refused.
“I hate LaMike,” the Oregon Duck mascot said. “I think he is a punk and a traitor.”
A Nike commercial featuring James asking, “What should I do?” is scheduled for release next fall.
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