Disclaimer: This special April Fools’ edition contains spoofed content.
Dear Oregon Daily Emerald,
Students have fallen on hard times, as has the world. The conditions that students are in today is pathetic. What do they do except spend all their time on Facebook and the Internet, watching stupid videos of babies and racist blonde girls and 13-year-olds who sing about days of the week? Nothing. They just sit on their asses and play Xbox with their hands while they learn to feed themselves with their feet and wear diapers.
What they don’t know, is that there is something awful happening in the world that they can help to end. They need to stand up and fight for the cause. They need to abandon their PS3s and toilet paper and air conditioning. They need join me in fighting this cause for the United States of America, because true, patriotic Americans know how to fight for the cause.
Which is why, as an activist and a student who knows what’s going on in the world, I have created a student group to fight for this cause.
This particular cause is such an important thing to fight for because students need something to stand up for, and this is what they need to stand up for. This is what they need. They need to come fight for this cause with me.
This problem affects millions of people every day. The SDFA reports that 75% of people ages 14-50 are the most at risk. It also reports that the most affected are those of black, Hispanic, Asian, Pacific Islander, American Indian, and Caucasian races, so that means it’s affecting everyone. They all need our help. Some of those people are dying, some are just horribly afflicted. This is why we need to help them — to show them that there is a better world and that they can get everything they want out of this world if they just believe that someone is helping them. I fight for this because of those millions of people that are affected every day. I can’t go to sleep at night without thinking about those people and this problem.
When someone stands up to fight for this cause, other people will stand up with them. They can spread the word and then their friends will know that someone, somewhere, is fighting for this cause. And maybe there’s someone who’s also fighting for this cause who doesn’t know that other people are out there fighting for the same cause, and we can join forces with those people to fight for this cause.
Every week I will be holding a meeting on campus so the students can fight for the cause. The meetings will be intermediate in length and they might have food, so I encourage students who want to fight for the cause to possibly contribute some food to these meetings. Maybe they can bring some cookies or we can spring for a pizza. But it can only be from local food sources because our economy is dying and we, as cause-fighters, need to fight.
I already know people who know people who are going to come and fight for this cause with me. I encourage all you students who care about anything to come to these meetings, held in the EMU, to fight with me. Let’s all band together to show the world that we will not let this problem bring down the greatest species the Earth has ever known — human beings. Let’s band together to make this problem go away. Let’s band together and fight for the cause.
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