Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Sociologists from the Oregon Department of Unimportant Hulabaloo found that students at the University are likely to be angry at some point during the week. Surveys were handed out to about 10,000 university students, asking them only one question: “Have you been mad at all this week?”
“These findings are fascinating,” said Joel Krinklesby, doctoral student of obvious sciences with an emphasis on color identification. “We didn’t know that students really had a reason to be upset.”
ODUH doesn’t know what would anger students on campus, but they have narrowed the possibilities to homework, classes, breathing, gas prices, increasing tuition wages, rain, book prices and Common Grounds running out of Cheesy Grillers on a Saturday night.
“We don’t want to come to any conclusions, but it seems like a lot of things in a student’s life could make them angry,” said Krinklesby, who is also a ODUH representative. ODUH has also found that increased levels of alcohol exaggerate anger.
“When college students get drunk, they increase their chances of being outwardly angry — especially in party situations,” Krinklesby said.
While ODUH seems to be surprised by these findings, many think they aren’t surprising.
“WHY THE HELL DON’T THEY NEED TO DO RESEARCH TO FIND THAT OUT?” Oregon rugby team captain Frank Savage said while smashing a can on his forehead. “WHAT ARE WE PAYING THEM FOR?”
“I mean, I’m not mad or anything, but when I hear about our valuable resources being spent on such stupid things, I want to rip someone’s head off!” University student Ethel Wallace said.
ODUH is putting together a student anger chart to document when students are most likely to be angry during the year. The department is going to test the belief that students are most likely to be angry during different times of the year, such as finals and Ducks football losses.
“Students seem to be pretty upset after the Ducks lose, but we have to scientifically prove it,” Krinklesby said. “Common sense is not as reliable as science — so we’re going to spend $100,000 trying to figure this out.”
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