The Emerald’s April 20 article, “University class disrupted all term by ant infestation,” led to several University experiments revealing the ant colony in Lillis is actually a colony of superants. The colony was infected by radioactive waste from the Carson Dining Hall, causing dramatic changes in their genetic makeup, personalities and appearance.
“These ants are not normal ants,” researcher Barnaby Wallace said. “The radioactive waste has had steroid-like effects on them.”
One radioactive ant can lift a whole loaf of bread, which is about 35 kazillion times more than its own body mass. Scientists contribute the surge in strength to the hyper-enlarged mandibles of the ants, which are even larger than the rest of the ants body.
“They’re like walking guillotines,” Wallace said. “One good bite breaks human skin, much like a thumbtack would.”
Alongside their increased strength, the mutant ants are also 30 times more productive than regular ants, turning entire lecture halls into larvae nurseries in just a matter of days and absconding with unsuspecting students.
“These ants have evolved to crawl into human ears and manipulate their brainwaves,” ANThropoligist Mack Huxley said. “Really scary stuff.”
A team of scientists has urged University officials to shut down Lillis to prevent more ant kidnappings, but business professors refuse to push midterms back. Protests have been held, but the University’s decision to keep classes running remains final.
“Economics tells us that only the strongest survive,” business professor Donald Darwin said while placing a loose penny into a Ronald Reagan-shaped piggy bank. “If one of my students gets kidnapped by mutant ants, they weren’t strong enough to pass my class.”
Lobbyists from insecticide company Raid have been rallying to prevent Lillis from going into lockdown. Raid sales have gone up 400 percent since the radioactive ant outbreak, and a lockdown would drastically cut into its profits.
“Raid has been proven to handle these superants,” Raid spokesperson Joe Beadle said. “If students just brought more Raid to class, the ants would be gone in no time.”
The business school community does not agree with Raid’s rationale, questioning both its motivation and its product’s effectiveness.
“These fools don’t know what they’re talking about,” Huxley said. “Raid is formulated to kill several ants at a time — not to exterminate an entire colony.”
“It’s sad to watch business interests ruin our business school,” Wallace added.
Students who miss midterms because of superant fears are given unexcused absences and receive no chance to make them up.
“I don’t know what I’m more afraid of — these ants or my midterm test tomorrow,” sophomore business major Mark Williams said.
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