Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
After years of peeing in urinals that violate the Unified Urinal Bro Code, the University’s male population declared the bathroom outside the EMU Ballroom a “no pee-pee zone” in protest of its bowl-shaped urinals without dividers. Students described the bathroom as uncomfortable, weird and a little bit kinky.
“Whenever I go potty there, I always feel so exposed,” senior sociology major Willy Johnson said. “Sometimes I close my eyes so that I don’t end up seeing the person next to me.”
Students have taped off the bathroom entry with toilet paper and duct tape, denying entry to all students and faculty members.
“A restroom with no privacy is no restroom,” junior journalism major Frank Long said.
Protests began Friday night, when student Peter Wang peed himself after waiting more than 40 minutes for a urinal far enough away to grant some privacy from the other pottygoers.
“I was so embarrassed,” Wang said. “All I wanted was some privacy.”
Wang reported the situation to political action group UriNation, who then organized several shit-ins and pee-dom rides on the University campus.
“Sure, some students find this to be funny, but I assure you this is no laughing matter,” UriNation representative Richard Dill said. “In a recent University of Oregon study, researchers found that 99.9 percent of males don’t want a stranger to see their private area.”
UriNation members say urinals without dividers are in direct violation to every amendment in the Bill of Rights, the Geneva Conventions, the Oregon Constitution and even the Ten Commandments.
“God didn’t want people seeing my goods,” Long said. UriNation held an emergency meeting Wednesday night with University President Richard Lariviere to discuss possible action, but he seemed unwilling to compromise.
“I don’t see the point in spending money because students are insecure,” Lariviere said. “That’s why there is a wall of stalls.”
UriNation said, however, that using the bathroom only to pee is a direct violation of Unified Urinal Bro Code statute 29: “A bro shall not stand in a stall unless all other urinals are full.”
“I don’t really know what the big deal is,” Women’s Potty League President Ivana Pu said. “But then again, I don’t have to awkwardly look away from everyone around me while somehow trying to empty my bladder.”
A UriNation representative said protesters will begin to pee in bushes if dividers are not placed in the bathroom within the next 72 hours.
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