You think your Valentine’s night was a crazy kink-fest of sex? Think again. This is how other animals celebrated their Valentine’s Day…
1. Bonobos: Sex is Life Everyone
knows about chimpanzees – they went into space, they do funny tricks, they’re adorable. But what people don’t know is that they are an evil, warring species that kill for fun and eat their defeated enemies. If chimps represent that evil side of human ancestry, then bonobos, the lesser known relatives of chimps, represent that loving side of human ancestry. Bonobos look almost exactly like chimps, with a few subtle differences. The biggest difference is how they act – bonobos have sex. They have sex with themselves, they have sex with each other. They have sex to make friends and to resolve fights. In an act called GG (genital-genital) rubbing, female bonobos bond in a group. Males hang from trees and “penis fence.” After a small scuffle, two bonobos (regardless of gender) will copulate to loosen the tension. Every day is Valentine’s day in Bonobo-ville.
2. Mormon Crickets: Sperm = food
There is a particular insect called the Mormon cricket that has a very strange way of mating. The male crickets walk around, looking for the best females. How can they tell? Males weigh the females. A male Mormon cricket will literally walk right up to a female and pick her up. If she is of proper weight, the male attaches a food packet to the female’s abdomen…that contains sperm. The female eats the food packet as she
walks along the ground, consequently excretes her now-fertilized eggs, to which the male returns to feed and raise.
3. Banana Slugs: equal opportunity mating
walks along the ground, consequently excretes her now-fertilized eggs, to which the male returns to feed and raise.
3. Banana Slugs: equal opportunity mating
Banana slugs were born with a convenient quality – they are true hermaphrodites, which mean they have both male and female reproductive organs. When two banana slugs fancy each other, they meet in the grass
and simultaneously fertilize each other’s eggs. After the love-fest is finished, it gets gruesome. The two banana slugs dispose of each other’s penises…by eating them. I suppose that one way of guaranteeing pure monogamy.
4. Trinidad Hercules beetles – the sneakier, the better
Dusk. A beautiful female Hercules beetle stands on an engorged tree-root, lonely and waiting for a mate. A male beetle appears on the horizon, sees the female and is overcome by her beauty. Another male climbs over
the horizon and spots the tasty female. Now they have to fight it out. The female beetle waits patiently as the two huge males throw each other around, each asserting his awe-inspiring dominance. Amid the malee, a
smaller, geeky-looking male Hercules beetle crawls through the grass. There’s no way he’d be able to win the fight, but he has a trick up his sleeve. While the two frat-boys are beating the snot out of each other, the smaller male Hercules beetle mounts the female and mates with her.
the horizon and spots the tasty female. Now they have to fight it out. The female beetle waits patiently as the two huge males throw each other around, each asserting his awe-inspiring dominance. Amid the malee, a
smaller, geeky-looking male Hercules beetle crawls through the grass. There’s no way he’d be able to win the fight, but he has a trick up his sleeve. While the two frat-boys are beating the snot out of each other, the smaller male Hercules beetle mounts the female and mates with her.
Triumph!
5. Praying Mantises – it never ends well
Interestingly enough, male praying mantises are cursed with the same problem as many male humans – they can’t think with their brains and their dicks simultaneously. This is a big problems for male mantises, because the females can get a little vicious. When confronted with a fine-ass female praying mantis, the male has two choices. His brain tells him to run, because he knows he’s about to die, but his reproductive organs are screaming at him to pass along his genes. His biological clock wins out, and he beings to mate with the female, even though his brain is still telling to GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! As a thoughtful partner, the
female removes all the male’s fears…by biting off his head. Without that bundle of neurons to get in the way, the male continues his husbandly duties undisturbed.
Interestingly enough, male praying mantises are cursed with the same problem as many male humans – they can’t think with their brains and their dicks simultaneously. This is a big problems for male mantises, because the females can get a little vicious. When confronted with a fine-ass female praying mantis, the male has two choices. His brain tells him to run, because he knows he’s about to die, but his reproductive organs are screaming at him to pass along his genes. His biological clock wins out, and he beings to mate with the female, even though his brain is still telling to GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT! As a thoughtful partner, the
female removes all the male’s fears…by biting off his head. Without that bundle of neurons to get in the way, the male continues his husbandly duties undisturbed.