Editor’s note: This is a part of our satirical “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
The University prides itself on being environmentally friendly; however, a new measure put forward by Be Green Or Die, a student-run environmental group calls for an end to on-campus eating and drinking. It’s a controversial measure that has students, faculty and Occupy Eugene-ers on edge.
According to BGOD, the energy it takes to prepare all the food on campus and supply all the drinking fountains with water could power a large African village for 30 years.
“We’re so dependent on food and water that we forget what’s really important: helping the environment and poor people,” BGOD President Bell Star said.
Another plus for banning food and drink on campus is the money the University will save, Star said, and the University is always looking for money to fund its many projects.
“The University could use that extra money to build more parking structures so students wouldn’t have to pay for parking off-campus,” Star said.
Phil Knight, the benefactor of huge sums of money to the University’s athletics departments, fully backs the proposition. With the billions of dollars the University could save by not providing food or drink, the football team could get even better facilities, more uniforms and, as a result, more wins, Knight said.
Students, on the other hand, are not reacting well to the news.
“If I don’t have my daily Red Bull and pack of Sweet Tarts, I’ll like, die,” University freshman Troy Toby said.
Toby, like many other freshman, is worried about losing dorm food.
“Why can’t we cut funds from the science department? No one cares about science. All they do is hurt cute little animals,” freshman English major Marcia Mary said.
So far, Star and the rest of BGOD are moving forward with the ASUO. So far, most senate members are against banning food and drink, but they are slowly coming around to the idea.
“There’s a lot more logistics to work out,” Star said. “But hopefully, the University will make the right decision. Let’s starve for the environment!”
Shallot: Environmental student groups call for an end to eating, drinking
Daily Emerald
November 7, 2011
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