From the turf of Autzen Stadium to the wooden battlefields of beer pong tables, one thing unites all competitive arenas in college: trash talking.
It only makes sense college would be the breeding ground for such behavior. After all, we are all here to prepare for our futures in the workforce and in society. There may be no more competitive and cutthroat realm of opposition than the current job market, so the ability to communicate in friendly (or not so friendly) banter is required.
For starters, forget any of the garbage that may have been heard in high school that left you giggling like a schoolgirl, because that does not come close to the real deal. “Your mom goes to college,” or any similar variation is not now — nor will it ever — qualify as anything more than a pathetic attempt at verbal humiliation of a perfectly kind woman (not to mention the fact that it makes zero sense).
This is the big leagues now, people. No one can blame college kids for speaking their minds and saying wildly inappropriate things at the expense of an opponent. It’s merely training for when you go all Charlie Sheen on your boss or effectively remove any self-confidence your coworker may have had about his polo shirt on Casual Friday.
This week, as the Oregon football team prepares for their game against USC, we have heard the Trojans’ quarterback throw down the gauntlet. Matt Barkley has said he believes the Ducks are not as good as they have been in years past, leaving the door open for a USC upset victory.
Oh no he didn’t. (Feel free to insert Aretha Franklin’s voice.)
If USC’s pretty boy is teaching us anything, it is that you always have the right to talk trash, even if you have done nothing to warrant such action and likely never will be able to back up your words.
Message received, Barkley. Mission accepted.
It is about time we began escalating the level of trash talk in everyday college life. So here are a few situations and suggested items of discussion.
• We are here to learn (I guess), so the classroom is where it all begins. If you just dominated a midterm, walk up to the professor, stare them right in the eyes, throw down the test at their feet and yell “BOO-YAH@@correct@@, don’t mess with me!” Then shake their hand, tell them you look forward to discussion and quietly leave without disturbing the other students that have yet to finish. No need to be discourteous, after all.
• During those heated battles of Mario Kart, if you’re awesome enough to still have a Nintendo 64, do not hesitate to humiliate the respective characters. Only ground rule is to be nice to Peach. What did she ever do to you, jerk?
• Three words: “I’M THE JUGGERNAUT!!!” Context when used is unimportant — it is appropriate in literally every imaginable situation.
Quick side note. “Yo mama” jokes are only to be used in emergency situations. Due to an embarrassing amount of overuse by a certain someone (looking at you, Wilmer), do not abuse the power of these risky, yet valuable opportunities, but I digress.
• A chess tournament equals huge opportunities for verbal onset of shame. This is the big time, people, so anything from an opponents’ questionable choice of argyle sweater to their risky knight-to-rook move is all fair game. The raucous chess crowd is waiting on the edge of their seats for that opportunity to give the ever-popular collective “ohhh snap,” so give it to them.
However, the most important situation for college trash-talking immortality has remained noticeably absent from this list: beer pong.
Anything goes when it comes to the heart and soul of college competition, from personal digs to negative remarks on an adversary’s inability to hit that last effing cup.
A few things are certain: The victors reserve the bragging rights for the entire night, as well as 30-second individual opportunities for victory dance sessions on top of the table.
Trash talking has implanted itself firmly in the heart of the competitive culture of America. It is what enables our representatives to crack such amazing jokes at France’s expense at U.N. meetings, or our hair salon workers to have the innate ability to make fun of every single member of “The View.”
It starts with us, Ducks. We are the future. The bar has been set, and we need to step our game up if we are going to take this bad-mouthing society to the next level. We have a responsibility to our fellow citizens, the rest of the world, but above all else, we owe it to ourselves.
This is America. We say what we want! If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Yes, that means move to Canada, because we have goals to meet.
Please feel free to comment on any trash-talking suggestions or situations you would like to share. Keep it classy — well at least a little classy. My mommy reads this after all.
Parness: When it comes to trash talk, everyone has something to say
Daily Emerald
November 14, 2011
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