Disclaimer: This is a part of our satirical “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievable fake.
With Chip Kelly’s offensive schemes lined up, many defensive players are left grasping at straws to try to pull down the Ducks’ players. This was seen most evidently in a horse-collar tackle on running back Kenjon Barner in the big win in Palo Alto last Saturday.
And while the penalty didn’t shake Barner up too much, University donor Phil Knight said in a release Sunday that he is “tired of seeing Duck players threatened by all that extra jersey getting in the way.” The release announced the prototype of a new Nike item that will “revolutionize the uniform industry.”
Enhanced skin.
“This effort has the potential to eliminate a quarter of all penalties in modern college football,” Knight said. “A full half of all personal fouls would not be relevant anymore.
“What unintended consequences? I don’t see how making the football players’ skin the uniform could go wrong.”
The proposal has two parts: A diet regimen which is accompanied by a protein/calcium additive, taken for a week before the season starts and continuing throughout and a hologram system to imprint all the other necessary features of the uniform — the number, logos and, of course, the trademarked swoosh.
The system had detractors almost as soon as it was announced. The Association of Streaking Students is upset that their “territory is being entrenched upon.”
“Nike is frequently insensitive to the people they have wronged, and we are finally taking a stand,” ASS chair Mike Lothes wrote in a blog post. “We’re not saying football players are now going to be streaking, but it’s close enough to the point where those who streak must now strike.”
The University’s science departments are now researching the supposed uniform system to verify its background.