Over the weekend, I learned a few valuable lessons from a few partially reliable sources. I only say partially because these lessons were learned in a partially reliable state of mind. That’s what college life is on the weekends, though, right? Weekends in college typically are partially memorable, partially conscious, and partially legal.
Just because my sources told me of these valuable lessons with a foggy memory doesn’t mean they’re not lessons to take to heart. These simple lessons can save you from embarrassment, save you some money and earn you some street (beer pong) cred.
I have this friend who has a set of twin neighbors and she met these twins when she was partially in the right state of mind. Throughout the week she saw one of the twins on three occasions, always saying, “hey, Nate!”
He’d reply, “Hey, how’s it goin’?”
Everything was peachy. The next weekend, she once again saw the twins and said to the one, “Nate, can I borrow your cork screw?”
“Sure,” he replied. “But my name’s Cody.”
“No it’s not! I’ve been calling you Nate all week,” she explained.
“I know,” laughed Cody. “I don’t know you well enough to correct you yet.”
Having made this embarrassing mistake, my friend made some quick-witted joke and weaseled her intoxicated ass out of the awkward situation. With that I present to you Weekend Rule #1: Always know thy neighbor’s name.
This same friend threw a party that weekend which had many people she didn’t know, various drinking games, and music with a really loud bass. Just so you know, it was a bangin’ party. However, over the course of the night my friend wasn’t in the right state of mind, again, and things became one conversation about love and life after the other. Earlier that day, my friend placed eight cans of Diet Coke in the fridge.
The next day for lunch she waddles over to the fridge to crack open some aspartame in a can only to find that there are only three left. My friend is a MAJOR food hog. I mean the girl is a down-right bitch when it comes to sharing her food – especially her Diet Coke. So she flips out and interrogates everyone in her house then finally comes to a conclusion: Diet Coke thieves were at the party disguised as college students getting hammered. After she cries a little bit about her loss and contemplates getting Food Insurance she tells me Weekend Rule #2: Hide yo drinks, hide yo food and hide yo canned goods cause they’re takin’ everythang out here.
I learned from another friend another very valuable lesson and this time in the form of sport. In the middle of the night my friend found herself at a rager of a house party up to her sparkly top in gorgeous young adult males. With a cup in hand she was dragged over to the table of death, which most people call the “BP” table.
She reluctantly agrees to participate only because she’s feeling really confident in her skills; I mean this girl used to play basketball in high school, how hard can it be? Wrong question. While attempting to show off on a shot and do an awesome follow through, my friend decided it was time to let the clumsy side of her show. During the follow through, her hand whacked 3 cups full of water off of the table and into her Ugg Boots. That knocking over of the cups earned her an automatic disqualification in the game of beer pong and a loss.
At that, all the hotties erupted with laughter and my friend turned an ugly shade of pink. Quickly thinking of something she could possibly say that could save her a new group of friends she spat out, “Ok, I drain this next shot behind the back and we forget the spill happened.”
“Ooohhhhhh, okay let’s see this!” One of the more attractive boys with a Denver Nuggets snap-back said with a charming smile.
“Kobe!” My friend exclaimed as she squared up to shoot.
Sinks it. The boys go wild. She shrieks a girly shriek. High fives all around. The world is at peace. Not so fast, we all can’t be this smooth and downright lucky. With that I present to you Weekend Rule #3: Don’t try and show off during drinking games. Just bat your eyelashes, raise your glass, and flirt your way to becoming a champion. And boys, girls won’t care how terrible of a player you are – as long as you ask her to be your partner.
If not all of your weekend can be remembered, never fear. There’s an app for that. Just kidding, but there is probably some sort of cocktail for that. Just remember to stick to these first few tips and you’ll come out of the weekend being confident in names, stocked in the fridge and full of BP cred.
Have a glorious week and I’ll be back when we find out what happens over the weekend.
Three Weekend Rules
Daily Emerald
October 10, 2011
0
More to Discover