This is a part of our satirical Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Much has been made recently of the Oregon Ducks football practices being closed off to public admittance and for good reason, because the Oregon offense has made a name for itself with its trademark misdirection cues and high-speed conditioning.
But some more investigative reporting from Yahoo! Sports, the website that broke the Willie Lyles scandal in March@@http://sportsbybrooks.com/tag/willie_lyles@@, has revealed another reason that this year’s practices are closed off. The Moshofsky Center, the University’s world-class practice facility, was also hiding a magical football world, featuring hovering treadmills and protein pills and is only accessible with coach Chip Kelly’s secret handshake.
When the team announced that it was disallowing public attendance at practice, various media organizations tried different strategies to gain entry.
Register-Guard sports reporter Rob Moseley@@http://special.registerguard.com/web/sports/26005651-41/lyles-oregon-scouting-fox-sports.html.csp@@ said he came disguised one day as an equipment manager, but was discovered early on.
“I mean, it wasn’t my best attempt ever, and considering I’ve basically reported on Oregon sports since Joey left, I should have figured that wouldn’t work,” Moseley said. “Then again, we are talking about practice. Not a game, not a game — practice. I’m a big-time college football reporter, and you’re here asking me about practice.”
Kelly mirrored the sentiments.
“This again? I come here after making New Hampshire a Division-I-AA powerhouse, and you don’t assume that I literally have magic skills? New Hampshire!” Kelly said. “We’re 4-1 and playing the Sun Devils on Saturday. That’s all I’m thinking about right now.”
The full details of Kelly’s magic have yet to be released, but the Yahoo! report explains that Kelly transported in from a parallel universe and just this year was able to teleport in his full facilities.
Yahoo!’s connection with the Oregon program is also unknown but is under NCAA investigation.
Arizona State head coach Dennis Erickson said he had heard rumors of Kelly’s magic previously — and, like Stanford’s football team in 2010, alleges that Darron Thomas carries a magic wand in his pants — but was still a little surprised to find those rumors turned out to be true. Still, he is not concerned about this Saturday’s game.
“Regardless, we have (Arizona State linebacker Vontaze) Burfict.@@http://www.thesundevils.com/sports/m-footbl/mtt/burfict_vontaze00.html@@ I heard he ate a kid’s head off last year,” Erickson said. “I’m not worried.”
Burfict was unable to comment on the rumor.
Shallot: Magic sports world behind closed doors at the Moshofsky Center
Daily Emerald
October 10, 2011
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