The following are briefs from laconic reporter Ian McKivor. All content is unbelievably fake.
Capitol Hill aids corporations with passing of “Fuck You, I’m Rich” Act

In a landmark decision that broke a three-year stalemate, both the House and Senate passed a resolution that guarantees virtually unlimited rights for corporate entities and special interest groups while putting the American people in their place. The “Fuck You, I’m Rich” Act, sponsored by both congressional Democrats and Republicans is being hailed as a turning point in bipartisan policy making and a solution to the debt ceiling crisis.
“After years of bitter debate and partisan bickering, we have reached an agreement with Republicans on a bill that we can all believe in,” said Democratic Representative Barney Frank.
The bill, which President Barack Obama is expected to sign into law later this week, was passed unanimously in both legislative houses after a series of closed-door meetings.
In a press statement, House Speaker John Boehner said, “This is a great day. We can stand tall knowing that we did the right thing in looking out for the best interests of the people we represent.” The U.S. Supreme Court has also been vocal in its support of the bill after its decision earlier this year deeming corporations as people. When asked for comment, Justice Antonin Scalia said simply, “I am the law.”@@this joke stolen from the onion, but funny@@
When the law goes into effect next year, Congress will have more freedom in accomplishing pieces of legislation without focusing on consumer protections and get some real work done.
“We’re really just streamlining a process that we’ve been working on since the Reagan administration,” Sen. John McCain said. “I thought Obama would mess the whole thing up, but man, what a wild card he turned out to be.”
As of press time, the Emerald was unable to find interviews outside of the Capitol with many still tuned in to the impacts of the Casey Anthony verdict.
Knight unveils plans to raze campus, expand football program

Phil Knight announced earlier today that the University is to be completely demolished and replaced with a new training facility for the Nike Swoosh Football team — formerly known as the Oregon Ducks — in an effort to increase the chances of winning a national championship.
The only buildings to remain on campus are the former administration building, now Swoosh head coach Chip Kelly’s home, Matthew Knight Arena and Autzen Stadium.
Nike, citing a fundamental lack of importance, has canceled classes for the now-defunct University, and all non-athletic department staff have had their employment terminated, with the exception of the School of Journalism and Communications’ advertising and public relations staff.
Non-student athletes have been notified that they are no longer welcome on the Nike campus but will be given a 10-percent-off coupon valid at any Nike Town location.
Accompanying this news was an announcement that all athletes will receive bachelor degrees automatically because, “come on, they’re here to play ball, not study.”