This is a part of our satirical series “The Shallot.” All content is unbelievably fake.
An article from Yahoo Sports indicates that Willie Lyles, center of the Oregon football scandal, actually graduated from Oregon State University. The new information stirred up quite the controversy, with OSU’s administration on the hot seat.
Yahoo Sports announced Sunday that Lyles’ OSU transcript came up in response to one of their many public records requests about the booster situation and prompted immediately contacting other press outlets.
“We weren’t prepared for this one,” said Dan Wetzel, author of two recent articles implicating the booster’s relationship with the University. “Honestly, we usually use the requests to dig up dirt, but (OSU football head coach) Mike (Riley) … he doesn’t deserve it, man.”
Wetzel went on to insist that he did not want to directly implicate OSU’s program in initiating the scandal, although he suggested that his coworkers were already making connections.
A source within Reser’s Fine Foods — who would only agree to an interview with the Emerald anonymously — indicated that someone in upper management had pushed Lyles to work with the University and Oregon head coach Chip Kelly. Reser’s is a large OSU donor located in Beaverton, Ore., which the football stadium is named after.
“It was initially just a, y’know, little prank — gone a bit awry, I’ll admit. It just kept escalating, the higher-ups joking about ‘northwest dominance,’ ‘potato salad pride,’” the source said. “But when that Oregon kid burned that shirt in Reser (Stadium), it was on,” or, in other words, the University’s relationship with Lyles was brought to the press.
Oregonian columnist John Canzano, vocal critic of the University’s work with Lyles, has been unavailable for contact since the news was revealed. Canzano’s editors say he hasn’t responded to emails this weekend, while commenters on his columns have noticed a sharp decline in his responses.
“Hey JC, mind explaining why for one, you haven’t written back in the past 6 hours????” GoBeavs wrote on his most recent column.
Wetzel said he got the feeling the new rumors hurt Canzano deeply.
“Oh, Johnny? Yeah, he tensed up when I told him. Looked like he was about to well up — it would’ve been real sweet if he wasn’t trying to be such a professional,” he said.
OSU President Edward Ray insists that the connection is simply hypothesizing gone wild.
“I can categorically say, there is no empirical evidence backing these allegations,” Ray said.
“I don’t understand what the big deal is anyway. Why shouldn’t the players be pai-” he added, before the Emerald was escorted from the president’s office by OSU athletic officials.