I’ve spent the last several weeks traveling around the Mediterranean on a program called Semester at Sea, and for some reason I expected everyone on the ship would be liberal-minded and spontaneous and totally respectful of other cultures, much like my friends back home. But alas, I was wrong.
I’m surrounded by Ugly Americans.
I’ve become trained in spotting and avoiding such creatures for fear of being branded one myself, and I’ve learned that there are certain identifiable traits. If you don’t want to become an Ugly American, avoid the following common behaviors:
1. Speaking to everyone in English. Now this may be obvious, but I am amazed by how many people don’t even try simple words or phrases in foreign tongues. The common excuse I hear is “I don’t want to sound stupid.” Well you know what? You sound more stupid shouting “DOOO YOUUUU TAKE AMMEEEERICAN EXPREEEESSS” to the tiny Italian shopkeeper than you ever could trying to pronounce “Ciao.”
2. Never trying street/traditional foods. For me, at least, food is an essential part of travel. I still remember the exquisite almond croissant I ate in Chartres, France more than seven years ago, and the scrumptious blackberry gelato I had in Paris four years later. And street food can be some of the cheesiest, greasiest, most satisfying food around, especially if you’ve had a couple of drinks. So go ahead, try that kebab in Bulgaria; I did, and sure, I got food poisoning and slept forty hours straight and missed my first day in Istanbul, but do I regret it? Well, maybe a little, but it’s an experience I will — unfortunately — never forget.
3. Going everywhere in a large group. Look, large groups attract attention, and a lot of that is unwanted. Especially if you’re speaking loudly in English (see number one), people are going to know you’re American and they’re going to know you have money to spend. You will get suckered into buying hideous t-shirts and coffee mugs and magnets, and no one back home is going to be too impressed. So go it alone! As a woman, I’ve always been warned about wandering alone in foreign countries, but I’ve found that people bother me a lot less when I’m by myself, presumably because I look more like a local. Plus, you won’t have to compromise with dumb friends.
4. Not bothering to research the countries you visit. I’ve had several people ask me if it’s safe to drink the water in Greece. Greece! The Greeks invented plumbing, for God’s sake, yes it’s safe to drink the water. Many couldn’t point out Croatia on a map even though it was fourth on our itinerary, and I had to keep correcting people who insisted that we were going to Bolivia, not Bulgaria. Different continent, friend.
5. Wearing fanny packs. I don’t care what you’ve been told, I don’t care how ironic/hipster you think you’re being, and I don’t care if it’s the most expensive North Face fanny backpack money could buy, you don’t look cool. You look like a tourist. No self-respecting European would ever wear one of those things, unless of course it was one of those trendy leather belts with the coin purses attached. Those could be acceptable, as long as you wear it with the right kind of swagger.
The world is smaller than ever, and more and more Americans are getting the chance to travel internationally. So next time you find yourself in a foreign country, leave the Ugly American behavior at home. And the fanny pack — you’re embarrassing me.