Editor’s note: This content is unbelievably fake.
After his Auburn Tigers defeated the Oregon Ducks in the BCS National Championship Game Monday, quarterback Cam Newton announced that instead of spending his summer lifting weights and training for next season, he will be in Houston, Texas, for an internship with Enron, as a financial adviser.
“I like the way they do business,” Newton, this year’s Heisman Trophy winner, said. “I’ve always wanted to work for them.”
When asked if he was aware of their track record, Newton told the Emerald, “They need to have their good business reputation restored. And I am the perfect representative of that.”
Newton, who has no significant experience whatsoever in the field of finances, believes that if he can stiff arm a 350-pound man, he can pretty much do anything. Newton is one of three players who had 20 rushing touchdowns and 20 passing touchdowns in the same season.
“How would my athletic talents not translate into me being an excellent financial advisor?” Newton said.
Newton’s financial resume says he has “experience in handling tough financial criticism.”
Many believe he is referring to the events of last season in regards to his father, Cecil Newton.
“I believe he is referring to the events of last season in regards to his father,” Auburn teammate Nick Fairley said.
Though the internship was supposed to be unpaid, many are questioning the shiny, new Hummer in front of Newton’s new two million dollar mansion.
Cecil Newton refused to comment unless the Emerald paid him $100,000.
Despite the criticism, Enron representative Joey Gates said Enron would not go back on its internship offer to Newton, saying the star quarterback is also a star in the field of finances.
“He’s not your typical athlete; he understands things,” Gates said.
Gates and company have, once again, become the laughingstocks of the corporate world.
“We at Enron believe in the same business ethics Cam Newton has displayed all season long as an Auburn Tiger,” Enron spokesperson Danny Smithings said in a press conference Tuesday.
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Shallot: Cam Newton receives Enron internship spot
Daily Emerald
January 11, 2011
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