Editor’s note: This satirical column is part of our Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
The addition of a thirteenth zodiac sign, Ophiuchus, due to the earth’s movement around the sun, caused American personalities to change in the blink of an eye late Wednesday night. Residents of Chicago, Ill., reported going from being loud and controlling Leos to introverted and organized Virgos.
“It was like something inside me snapped,” Chicago native Zaphina Hamilton said. “One minute I’m telling my husband I love him, and the next we’re arguing endlessly.”
Already, divorce rates have increased 15%, and researchers at the B.F.F Society are estimating that more than 50,000 best friends have already called it quits — after spending almost their entire lives together.
Twelve-year-olds Jessica Gyles and Zoey Hill were inseparable since they were three years old. They learned to ride bikes together, spent weeks at a time at one another’s house, and even went to the same summer camp together every year.
But in the span of three minutes Wednesday night, Hill said things took off for the worse. The two started arguing about who would get the last piece of Hawaiian-style pizza, and Hill ended up telling Gyles to get out of her house and to never speak to her again.
“When Jessica became a Fire sign, she became such a bitch,” Hill said.
Tensions are at an all-time high as people across the nation adjust to their new traits.
Even President Obama is at risk — his recent transition from a Leo to a Cancer has put his leadership instincts to question.
“Do we really want a president who is a Cancer?” former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin said, while guest-starring on “The O’Reilly Factor.” “Cancers are described as nice, generous people … what’s all that about?”
The Obama Administration has developed the Department of Zodiac Affairs to “aid our fellow Americans in their hasteful recovery from zodiac-related issues,” he said. The President appointed a mysterious gypsy lady named Xena as the Deputy Chief of Staff.
“Zodiac affairs are not government concerns,” party-pooper Senator Ron Paul said while waving a small, bejeweled pocket constitution in the air. “Our forefathers didn’t care about astrology.”
Though controversy runs amok, not all is lost. Laser surgeons are forecast to triple their monthly incomes through January because of all of the college girls asking to have their old zodiac tramp-stamps removed from the smalls of their backs.
“I wonder if they know that the sign changes only apply to babies born after 2010?” Michael Channing of Laser Tech Surgeries said. “Either way, the extra $50,000 a month sure is nice.”
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